No Man's Land
by Kobold101
Summary: A strange creature falls from the sky and almost plows down a prominent person residence. This creature has never been seen before in this place. So why is nobody panicking? Rated M for language and violence
1. Chapter 1: An Unexpected Visitor

A** few notes before you read**

**1. For all intended purposes, the events of Equestria Girls never occurred **

**2. This takes place toward the end of season 4, between the Equestria Games and Tireek returning. Again, for all intended purposes, there is a, lets say, 10 year gap between the two events until I write otherwise.**

**I ask that you bear with me for the first half. Its not that good, but I personally think the second half is alot better.**

**Enjoy :)**

Green

That's all there was around him

A green vortex. All spiraling downward, or at least, what he thought was downward, into a small white dot. He can't remember how he got here or why. He has few memories. He was quickly approaching the white dot, seeing it was not a dot, but a hole. A hole to were? Before he could think more about it, he passed through the hole. His passing was signified by a loud bang. A shockwave, one might say. Then a word came to his mind.

Hot.

Hot hot.

"HOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOT. FIRE FIRE FIRE."

He was falling through the sky in this new place, on fire. The flames didn't hurt him, they just felt very hot. He hit the ground near a forest, leaving a long trench. He sustained no visible injuries, surprisingly. He tried to get up, but received a piercing migraine, causing him to grip his head with one hand and black out a few seconds later. Before he blacked out, a phrase echoed around his head.

_Everything's about to change._

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_2 hours later_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

He woke up. He was seeing double from the earlier migraine. He checked himself to see if anything was missing. Jet black hair, check. 2 arms, 2 legs, check. Black sweatpants, check. Navy blue zip up sweatshirt, zipped down as always. Pale skin, smelled a bit charred, but check. Black sneakers, check. Adidas gym bag... not checked. He looked around his surroundings. He seemed to be on the second floor of a...wooden house? _Bah, I'll worry about it later._ He found his bag sitting against the bed. _Wait, bed? _He was lying on a bed with purple sheets. _What the hell is going_ _on. _He got out of bed

"Finally, your awake. Twilight wants to have a word with you" a high pitched voice said from behind him. He slowly turned around, seeing a small purple lizard on two feet. "Yo-your a..." he said, unable to conceive the image before him. The lizard spoke "A dragon? Yeah, name's Spike. Pleased to meet you." "A dragon..." He fainted. Before he blacked out again, a high pitched raspy voice, not belonging to the dragon, spoke to him.

_Cloooose the rifffts._

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_15 minutes later _

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

He was starting to come to again. "I don't know what happened to him, he just passed out." It was the dragon talking to someone. A female spoke "It's fine, Spike, look, hes starting to wake up again. Just go downstairs and sort some books." He woke up, looking to the left to see a purple unicorn, no wait, it has wings. Alicorn, then? The alicorn had dark purple hair with a light purple streak in it, and a...tattoo on her ass? Of a... was that a star or a sparkle. The alicorn spoke "Hello, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle. And you are?"

"Kobold. Kobold Hosamen," he said.

"Well, Kobold, you have a lot of explaining to do. First, where are you from?"

Kobold said "Frankly, I have no idea. The last thing I remember is a green vortex and landing here, wherever this is"

Twilight said "Your in Ponyville. Next question. What are you? I've never seen your kind before, not even read about it"

"Human"

"Human, huh, I'll have to write that down." Twilight said "Well, I think you deserve a question. Go ahead, ask."

"Okay, then. Where did I crash and what happened after?"

"We found you outside of the Everfree Forest, then dragged you here and waited until you woke up."

"We?"

"Yes, we. Me and my friends Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash dragged you to my house. You actually almost plowed down Fluttershy's house"

"Damn."

"It's fine. She's a very forgiving pony"

"Well, what now?"

"I've notified Princess Celestia of what happened. She will be here soon to investigate. In the meantime, I should probably show you around Ponyville"

"Yeah, sounds like a good idea"

The two went downstairs into a...

"Library?" Kobold questioned

Twilight said "Yes, I live in a library. If you make ANY bookworm or nerd jokes, I will personally throw you out the window."

Kobold said "No no, I wasn't going to. In fact, I might come by here later to read up on the area."

"You and me are going to be good friends." Twilight said. "Spike, I'm going to show our guest around town."

Spike said "Okay, see you later"

The two left the library and...

Sweet. Jeff.

The town was completely inhabited by ponies. Entirely. The streets were inhabited with pegasi, unicorns, and regular ponies. All the houses were bright and colorful.

"Welcome to Ponyville" Twilight said.

Kobold stammered. "Um uh duh wha... Ponies...EVERYWHERE."

A few passing bystanders looked over and quickened their paces

"You miiiiiiight wanna keep your voice down, Kobold. Your getting looks." Twilight said

"Yea, sounds like a good idea." Kobold admitted.

Twilight said "Rarity's place is closest to here. Let's get moving."

"Yes, let's. I'm quite interested in meeting your friends." Kobold said

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_/\/\/\/\/\/__

_Outside Carousel Boutique_

__/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_\/\/\/\/\/\/___

Twilight informed Kobold "This is it, Rarity's store"

Twilight and Kobold entered the boutique, and a small bell sounded off

"Welcome to Carousel Boutique," said a pure white female unicorn with a purple mane and...another ass tattoo, with 3 gems this time, from within the store, "were everything is chiq, unique, and, oh, hello Twilight dear. I assume this is the 'thing' that fell by Fluttershy's house?

"Yes, he is. His name is Kobold, and he identifies as 'human'. Kobold, this is Rarity, the town's fashion designer."

_Oh dear Slender,_ Kobold thought, _I gotta get of here. _"Well, nice to meet ya. So Twilight, where's our next stop?"

"Wait, wait," said Rarity, "I wish to make you something. I just need to get your me-"

"NO," interrupted Kobold "NO FASHION. STAY AWAY FROM MY JACKET. KEEP YOUR MEASURING TAPE AWAY."

Rarity backpedaled from the comment "All I wanted to do is-"

"NO. AINT NOBODY GUNNA TOUCH MY JACKET" Kobold yelled again. Rarity began to tear up.

"Kobold, I think we should get going." Twilight said angrily. "Yea, we should probably get going." The two left the boutique.

"That was completely uncalled for, what you did back there," Twilight said to Kobold. "Well, I'm sorry, but... fashion just makes me fell...not right. My jacket is like a part of me, and someone trying to replace it, out of generosity..."

"Well, I see your point, but that's still no excuse to yell at Rarity like that!" Twilight exclaimed.

"I know, I know, and I'll find a way to apologize later. Right now, I'd like to see thee rest of your friends and why is that pink pony staring at me like that?" Kobold pointed to a pink pony with a poofy, slightly darker mane, along with a balloon for an ass tattoo. The pony in question stared for a few more seconds, gasped, jumped into the air, and dashed off at an impossible speed.

"Um, did I do something?" Kobold asked

"No no, Pinkie does that with everyone their first time in Ponyville. She going off to make you a party"

"A party?"

"Yes."

"With lots of ponies?"

"Yes, about half of the town at the least."

"Tonight?"

"Yes, tonight."

Kobold had a look of panic on his face. He had no idea why, but the thought of so many people in one place, and him at the middle of it, made him panicky. "OK, well, no point dwelling on it, let's get moving, who's next?"

"Well, the closest to here is Rainbow Dash."

"Good." They started walking"

"I've been meaning to ask, what's with all the ass tattoo's around here. Just about everyone has one. Is it 'in' or something?"

Twilight took some offense to the word 'ass tattoo', but replied "No, they're Cutie marks. They show what a pony is best at doing, their special talent, so to say. Sometimes it's specific, sometimes it's vague."

"Interesting..." Kobold said. He began to wonder if he has something on his ass. _I'll check later, when there's not some many...ponies._

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

_Rainbow Dash's House_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Twilight and Kobold aproched a cloud with...was that a house or a Greek temple? The house was made entirely out of clouds with Greek like columns and...rainbows pouring out of various places of the house. The physics of it were mindboggoling to Kobold. "Rainbow Dash," yelled Twilight, "You have a visitor." A cyan colored pegasus came out of the house. She had a rainbow colored mane and a cloud with a rainbow colored lightning bolt Cutie Mark.

"Hey, Twilight," said Rainbow Dash, "so this is the thing that fell from the sky, huh?"

"Yes, I am," Kobold said, "and I am very interested in the architecture of your house. Are those columns Greek?"

"Um, what?" questioned Rainbow Dash

Twilight chuckled nervously "He's not exactly...from here, as you could guess." "Yeeeaaa, he is kinda weird." Said Rainbow Dash.

"OK, we goin'? Were next?" Kobold said, beginning to get bored staring at Rainbow Dash's house.

"Closest place is Sweet Apple Acres. That's Applejack's place." Twilight said.

"Well, let's get moving. Tally ho. Allons-y." Kobold said

"Man, he is really weird." Rainbow Dash whispered out of earshot. "And what's with those light blue eyes? It's like he's starring into my soul."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

_Sweet Apple Acres_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

Twilight and Kobold arrived at the apple orchard to be greeted by an orange pony with a blond mane and three red apples as a Cutie Mark. "Howdy, Twilight." She said with a southern accent "Is this the thing that fell from the sky?"

"OK, I'm getting tired of getting called 'thing'. I am a human, thank you very much. Name's Kobold. I assume your Applejack?"

"Yep."

"Well, another one off the list. So, who's next?"

Applejack took a bit of offense to this, but held back from making a comment. Twilight said "Well, last pony is Fluttershy. She's also close to the crash area, considering you almost plowed her house down."

"Two people I gotta apologize to in one day. I think that's a new record. So, which direction is it?"

"That way," Twilight pointed off into the distance. 'I've told every pony to meet us at the crash site. They should be there by the time we're done."

"Wait wait wait, whoa whoa," Said Kobold, "Isn't your pink friend busy with making the...party." He swallowed when he said party

Twilight said "Yes, but she'll find out you don't have a home yet, give up, and go to the crash site."

"Ah, that makes more sense" Said Kobold, "Well, what are we waiting for? Lets get moving."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Fluttershy's House_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Last stop, then the crash site, right?" Said Kobold.

"Yes. Now let me see if she's home" Twilight went to knock on the door. A pale yellow pegasus with a light pink mane and 3 light pink butterflies as a Cutie Mark answered the door. "Yes?" Fluttershy's said in a soft tone.

"Fluttershy, this is Kobold, the thing that fell from the sky" Twilight opened the door a bit to show Kobold. Fluttershy screamed and slammed the door shut.

"Um, does she always do that?" Kobold asked.

"It happens surprisingly often, yes. But not usually not like this," Twilight said. "But it probably has something to do with you almost destroying her house"

"Yeah, I could guess that," said Kobold sarcasticly. _"_Hmm..." Kobold took off his bag and looked through it and sweet mother of Jeff.

The bag. Was bigger. On the inside. It contained a large variety of objects, from mechanical to...are those roses? "Will these help?" Kobold pulled out the roses.

"Wwwwwwere did you get those?" Asked Twilight. Kobold showed her the inside of the bag. "Dear Celestia, Its..." "Bigger on the inside." Kobold finished

"Yes, I do think they will help." Said Twilight. Kobold knocked on the door again. Fluttershy slowly opened the door a crack, enough to see Kobold with the flowers. "There's no reason to be afraid." Fluttershy opened up the door ever so slightly more. "I'm really a nice guy, believe me. Here, these are for you." Kobold gave the roses. She deeply inhaled the scent of the roses. "I realize that this is probably off topic, but what's with that shack over there." Kobold sized toward a moderately sized wooden shack not too far away from Fluttershy's house. It seemed rather out of place. "Oh that? That's just an old shack. I technically own it, but I haven't used it in years. All it is now is an empty shack. Why do you ask?" "No reason, no reason." Kobold said. He had an idea formulating in his head.

"Anyway," Kobold said, "Didn't you say the crash site was nearby?" "Yes, right behind Fluttershy's house" Twilight said. Kobold said "Well, see you around, Fluttershy"

"You were suspiciously nice to Fluttershy. What gives?" Asked Twilight. Kobold responded "I wanted to make things right. I didn't purposly almost plow her house down."

"Eh, good enough"

/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Crash site_

/\/\/\/\/\/\

Twilight and Kobold had arrived at the crash site. It looked like a plane had crashed instead of a human. An enormous trench 7 feet wide and about 20 yards long stretched along the border to the nearby forest. Churned up dirt was everywhere. and the whole thing was barely 2 feet from Fluttershy's fence. Everyone of Twilight's friends were at the end of the trench, including one other. she was white and about twice the size of all the other ponies, with rainbow colored hair and a sun Cutie Mark. "Kobold, this is the princess Princess Celestia. Princess Celestia, this is Kobold, the thing that fell from the sky. He identifies as 'human'" Twilight informed.

Kobold raised one hand as a greeting and immediately put it down. "Hi. Now that everyone is here, I'd like to ask you all a question." All of the ponies heads leaned toward Kobold ever so slightly. "Strange thing, never before seen in this place, falls out of a portal and remains without injuries. What a normal person would do is lock that thing up and see what it was. Instead, you give it a bed to recuperate in, a tour of the town, and show it it's land site. It also took, what, 3 hours after the crash to get the highest authority to here? So, my question is, why? Why didn't you lock me up like your SUPPOSE to? Why did it take so long for the you to get here" Kobold looked at Celestia. "And most importantly, why did no one freak out over all of this. It seems like business as usual, when you'd expect, I don't know, full evacuation and everyone panicking?" When he finished, every one of the ponies, including the princess, began to think it over. It didn't seem like that big a deal at the time until he brought it up. They all said simultaneously "We don't know".

Kobold decided to deal with the issue at hand, which was how he got here. He walked past the line of ponies in the trench and continued on for a little. He looked into the sky and saw... he couldn't make up what he saw. It looked like green crackes in the sky, but how can that be possible? The sky isn't a solid object, so it can't crack.

Kobold began to ponder this, putting one hand to his chin and another under it for support. Cracks. Green. Cracks. Green. Before he could think any further, he could feel a ... tingling sensation. But the weirdest thing was it wasn't on him, but he could feel it outside of his body. More correctly, he could feel it in front of him, roughly 4 yards ahead of him. The sensation got stronger, and Kobold felt something dangerous coming. "Get. Back." Kobold whispered quietly to the ponies. "What?" most of them said. "GET BACK" Kobold yelled. The ponies began to inch backward, scared of what was to happen next. Green electricity began to spark in the area were Kobold felt the tingling. He backed up a few steps and inched his right hand toward his bag.

A shock wave rippled across the area and a green portal opened were the electricity was. Out of it came...

"You. Are one. UGLY. Motherfucker." Kobold remarked.

What came out of the portal was a true monstrosity. It stood on 4 spider-like legs and had the body of a morbidly obese man. Were it's head should be was a neck-hole with teeth lined with sharp, jagged teeth. A large mouth was mounted on its chest. The entire thing was a shade of fleshy pink.

"Who hit you with the fat and ugly stick?" Kobold laughed a little at his joke. The creature roared a deep, guttural roar. Celestia began to fire some form of magic lasers at the creature.

They bounced off of it like rubber, only enraging the creature further.

Kobold pulled out a small black tablet with a red button on it. He pressed the button down with a small click. He lifted the device to his mouth. "Team A: America." He threw the tablet to the side. When it hit the ground, a disembodied song began to play.

"America,

America,

America, fuck yeah.

Coming again to save the mother-fucking-day yeah."

As the music was running, Kobold pulled out a pair of semi-automatic pistols. He fired the entire clips of both guns into the creature. They were able to do some actual, visible damage to it.

"America, fuck yeah

Freedom is the only way, now.

Terrorist, you game is through

Cause now you have to answer tooooo."

The creature charged at Kobold, but he was able to duck under it and unload a few rounds into its underside.

"America, fuck yeah

So lick my butt, suck on my balls

America, fuck yeah

Whatcha gunna do when we come for you now

Its the dream that we all share

Its the hope for tommorrow

Fuck yeah"

Kobold grabbed a small piece of metal from his bag. He squeezed it, and a 5 foot long sword unsheathed from inside it. Kobold ran up to the creature and slashed it with his sword. The creature roared again and lashed out with its stomach mouth. Kobold sidestepped its attack, but got nipped, and he slashed again at its sides.

"MacDonald's, fuck yeah

Wall-mart, fuck yeah

Gap, fuck yeah

Baseball, fuck yeah

NFL, fuck yeah

Rock n' roll, fuck yeah

The internet, fuck yeah

Slavery, fuck yeah

...fuck yeah..."

Kobold thrusted his sword into the side of the creature, spraying some blood which Kobold narrowly avoided. His injury from earlier began to sting a bit, but he was able to ignore it for the time being. He thrusted his sword in deeper to it's side.

"...Starbucks, fuck yeah

Disney word, fuck yeah

Porno, fuck yeah

Valium, fuck yeah

Reeboks, fuck yeah.

Fake tits, fuck yeah

Sushi, fuck yeah

Taco bell, fuck yeah

Rodeos, fuck yeah

Bed bath and beyond,...fuck yeah, fuck yeah"

Kobold grabbed his sword with both hands and dragged his sword across the creature back, making it roar in pain. It slumped to the group, but clearly still alive from the whimpering. Kobold pulled his sword out of the creature and walked toward the black tablet he threw to the side earlier.

"Liberty, fuck yeah

White slips, fuck yeah

The Alamo, fuck yeah

Band-aids, fuck yeah

Las Vegas, fuck yeah

Christmas, fuck yeah

Immigrants, fuck yeah

Popeye, fuck yeah

Democrats, fuck yeah

Republicans...fuck yeah, fuck yeah

Sportsmanship

Books"

The song went into heavy drum/guitar, signaling that it was near the end. Kobold picked up the tablet. "Eat this, fat ass." He threw the tablet into the creature's neck mouth. Right as the song ended, the tablet exploded inside the creature in a spectacular bloom of fire. Blood and various pieces of gore rained near the blast zone.

Kobold turned around to see all of the ponies with dropped jaws. He began to scratch the back of his neck. "Uh, hehe, yeah, I don't know what happened there. Instinct just kicked in and-" "If that thing had gotten away, it would have destroyed the entire town." interrupted Twilight. "I may not have agreed with your methods, but seeing that thing, what you did was necessary. For what you've done, we are grateful for." Everyone of the ponies bowed their heads. Even Celestia gave a small nod of approval.

"Kobold, do you know were this creature came from, or what it is?" asked Celestia. Kobold began to inform her "I can't answer your first question, but I can answer the second one. That thing was called the Glutton. What it normally does its stalk its next meal at night. I've never heard of it doing this." "One more question" Said Celestia. "Yes, What it is"

"How do you know this?"

Kobold pondered the question for a moment, and then came to the conclusion

"I dunno. It's weird, I can remember facts about things, but I can't remember how I know them. It's maddening, I tell ya." Kobold began to look at the remains of the Glutton. "However, their might be something in there-" He pointed to the remains "-that might give us something to look into. Who's with me?" Kobold looked at the ponies, but all of them looked objectively to the idea of them approaching the blasted remains of the creature that could have destroyed the town "Suit yourself."

Kobold walked up to the remains. It reeked of rotten flesh. _Probably from its last meal, _thought Kobold. He searched through the gore, flipping over spider legs and chunks of fat man. He wasn't able to find anything, just blood, gore, and more blood. Just when he was about to give up, he spotted something on the edge of his vision. A piece of paper. That's_ strange _thought Kobold, _if it has something made of paper, it should have been incinerated in the explosion. _He walked towards the paper to see that it had some writing on it. It was crudely drawn, depicting a tall man in the middle of a forest. Kobold turn the paper over to see two words written on the back in the same crude fashion as the front.

Perception Filter

The paper began to crumble into dust starting from were Kobold was holding it. It continued to crumble until it was nothing but a pile of ash. When it finished crumbling, Kobold felt a surge of energy flow from within his body, starting from his hands and spreading throughout. When it was done, Kobold felt invigorated, like he could run a marathon. The wound from the battle with the Glutton faded into nothingness. But he still hadn't found what he was looking for, a clue as to were this thing come from.

He began to walk back to the group, saying that he had found nothing, not mentioning the paper. "I have a couple theories on were the Glutton came from. First is that it's from another dimension. Second is...well, I'd rather not say to raise panic." The ponies immediately began to have panicked looks on there faces. "But while I'm here, I'm probably going to need a place of residence..." Kobold looked in Fluttershy's direction. "Fluttershy, you said that your not using that shack, right?" "Y-yes, but..." "But?" "Well, I may need it soon, or-"

"Still scared of me, huh?"

Fluttershy nodded.

"And I'm guessing what I just did was no help?"

She nodded again

Kobold began to think. "Give me a second" _Think, you magnificent bastard, think. How do you get this pony to not be afraid of you. Think, think think think, IDEA._ Kobold lowered his butt until his ass was about 3 inches off the ground. He then crossed his arms, and then began to throw his legs outward whilst singing

"Moscow, Moscow

I don't know the frickin' words

I don't know the frickin' words

ahahahaha

HEY

Moscow, Moscow

I don't know the frickin' words

I don't know the frickin' words

ahahahaha

HEY"

Fluttershy began to laugh at the display. "OK, I'm less scared, but your still kind of scary. _Damnit, so close. Cmon, think, you intelligent fucker, THINK. This shack is just what I need, but you need to get the landlord to NOT be afraid of you. Think of something else funny and random. _Kobold took off his bag and began to rummage through it for an idea. He started to throw random objects out of it, including a pill container, 3 television remotes, the old style television those remotes went to, a " rock n' sock em" robots toy, and a package of lightbulbs. He eventually pulled out a big red plastic button with the words 'I have no idea' on the top in white

"What's that thing do" asked Pinkie.

Kobold pressed the button, and then a german accented voice came from the it, eclaiming ...

"I HAVE NO IDEA"

Everyone laughed a little at that.

_Funny, but not good enough_

Kobold continued to search through his bag, but didn't find a single thing that would remedy his situation. "Cmon, cmon, cmon, cmon, you infernal bag, produce SOMETHING."

"You really want that shack, don't you?" Said Fluttershy.

"Yes, I mean, look at it. Its perfect."

"But its just an old shack"

"I can appreciate something few others can, plus, is there any real estate available"

"Well...no" "So, I don't get you not afraid of me, I don't get the shack. I don't get the shack, I'm outside tonight"

"W-well, when you put like that" Fluttershy began to think of the consequences of letting Kobold have the shack. "W-well, i-if you promise not t-to do anything scary..." She paused for a second "You can have it"

Kobold looked up from his bag and stared at Fluttershy for a moment. "You'd let a creature you know nothing about, which you just saw maim another unknown creature not five minutes ago, live a shack that's directly next to you. This is a kindness never before seen by... anyone, really. You have my greatest thanks."

"Y-your welcome."

Kobold began to walk off towards the shack, leaving the others behind.

He began to think back to the only phrase he could remember when he came here. The same one that echoed in his head before he passed out.

And he agreed with them.

Well, at least partially.

**FINALLY got this done. It took me alot of time, mainly because of procrastination, me not always wanting to write, writers block, and a plethora of other reason. For these same reasons, chapters may not always come out very frequently. I write when I feel like writing. Also, I'd like to say this; I will not be doing any form of "shipping" over the course of this fanfic, before you may or may not get that idea in your head. I do not plan to, and the only way I will EVER do any shipping is if I get 100 positive reviews saying I should. Yes, I'm the adamant about this. Closest thing I'll do is close friendship. Anyway, I think that's all. To be continued...  
><strong>

**P.S. if your going to be blunt, leave a warning. Otherwise, I'll consider you a troll.**

**Copyright claim: I own absolutely nothing in this fan fiction aside from the OC Kobold Hosamen. Insert other copyright stuff here, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.**


	2. Chapter 2: New Beginnings

**Note: There is a part of this chapter that you might want to skip. You'll know what it is when you see**** it.**

Kobold approached his new home. The shack that Fluttershy let him have. It had an elevated porch, with some railings and had an overhanging over it. To both sides of the door were 2 windows. Kobold walked inside. It was roughly 900 square feet, with nothing in it. In the back, to the left, there was a door Kobold presumed led to a smaller room. He stomped on the wooden flooring.

"Hmm, seems to be a tad rotted." Kobold took out a crowbar from his bag, inserted it into the side of a floorboard, and tried to pry the wood out

It didn't budge.

Kobold began to get angry, pushing the crowbar even harder.

Still didn't budge.

He put a foot on the the crowbar and put all his weight onto it.

Didn't move an inch.

He got on the crowbar and began to jump up and down on it.

Still not moving.

He stepped back, ran, jumped, and pile-drived the crowbar.

He got a nasty bump on his elbow.

"Damn wood." Said Kobold. He sat on the crowbar to think of a more intelligent way to pry the wood out.

It came out almost immediately after he sat down.

Kobold's left eye began to twitch out of annoyance and the sheer fact that it shouldn't of worked. He grabbed the floorboard and took a look at it. "Yep, termite damage." Kobold started to pull up the rest of the floorboards and walls, which came out must easier that the first. It seemed that only the floorboards and walls retained structural damage, and not the outside wood.

"Hmm, now, what to use?" Kobold began to ponder what material he should use for a flooring. He COULD just use wood, but that WOULD be too simple. Kobold chuckled slightly at the pun. He shuffled through his bag until he found something perfect and out of place inside his bag.

About 60 sheets of metal and a 'Weld-o-matic' welding torch.

The label on the welder read 'Weld's metal together seamlessly.' Kobold decided to test this out, pulled out a welder's mask, put it on, and welded two of the metal sheets together.

It worked perfectly. There were no welding marks. It looked like the two pieces were always together. Kobold was amazed at the ingeniousness of the torch. He began to think of how it worked, but decided to concern himself with that at a later time. He has work to do. Kobold placed the sheets on the skeleton of the floor and welded them together, covering the entire floor. He worked for about an hour, and when he was done, he took a step back to admire his handiwork

The entire floor was a single sheet of metal, fitting perfectly into the floor. "Now I gotta do the walls."

Kobold did the entire process again with the walls. While he was welding, he noticed that the metal plates were warm. _That's not right. Metal should be cold, not warm. _He then noticed a note on one of the sheets. 'Thermetal. Metal warm to the touch' "Well I'll be damned."

Kobold finished welding the walls. It was amazing, what some form of 'magic' welding torch and 60 sheets of Thermetal could do. He thought about keeping the spare room wooden, but he'll get to that later. He wanted to known how this 'Weld-o-matic' device worked. He began to stare at the welding torch for a few solid minutes, turning it over to see if he could find anything to give him a clue as to how it works.

"Staring is very rude, you know."

Kobold dropped the welding torch in surprise. The voice came FROM the torch. "Wh-what." stammered Kobold.

"I said staring is very rude." There it was again. The thing that surprised him wasn't the fact that it came from the torch.

It was the fact that it was a man's voice.

In his roughly six and a half hours in this world, he had only heard one male voice, from the dragon. To hear another man's voice and not have it high pitched was a relief and a surprise. Then what happened next took the cake.

The welding torch began to change shape. It morphed into a serpentine shape, taller than him by a clear foot. It formed a pair of legs, two arms, and a head with...horns? It looked like a conglomeration of various animals, including lion, horse, goat, eagle, dragon, and a few others. Kobold grabbed him sword from his bag, unsheathed it, and charged the beast.

It snapped it's 'fingers' and his sword turned into a sunflower. Kobold pulled out his semi-automatic pistols.

It snapped it's 'fingers' again and the guns turned into water pistols.

"Aight, I give up." Said Kobold. "What are you and how were you the welding torch. And another question comes to mind, how did you get in my bag."

"Well to answer your first question, I'm Discord, Lord of all Chaos. Draconaquis is what I am. And as to your second question..." It snapped it's fingers yet again. It immediately shape-shifted into the sunflower that was once his sword. The sunflower kept his face, though. "And I think after I've shown you these, you can guess for yourself the third answer."

"Okay," said Kobold, "But still, why? Why turn into a welding torch and help me with my place?"

"Boredom."

"Drives a lot of people to do crazy things." Kobold noted to himself. "Anyway, Lord of all Chaos. Sounds more like a villain title. So, what gives?"

Discord turned back into his normal self. "I use to be evil. Then Fluttershy reformed me."

"She helps evil animal conglomerations as well as unknown psychotic species. Damn, that's one kind person."

"Well, she is the Element of Kindness after all."

Kobold looked at Discord, confused. "Da wha?"

"Oh, you don't know anything. I think I can remedy that." Discord snapped it's fingers and a chalkboard appeared in the middle of the shack. It also materialized a chair and desk, which Kobold sat in.

"OK, so, there are 6 Elements known as the Elements of Harmony." Discord snapped it's fingers again and created a yardstick. On the board appeared various images, including a butterfly, an apple, a gem, a lightning bolt, a balloon, and a spark. "These Elements are known as the Element of Kindness, the Element of Honesty, the Element of Generosity, the Element of Loyalty, the Element of Laughter, and the Element of Magic." Discord pointed to each of the corresponding images. "Each of these are possessed by Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight respectively."

"6 Elements," said Kobold, "That embody those traits."

"Yes," said Discord, "They are considered very powerful when combined."

"One more thing. I've noticed that you and Spike are the only men I've seen. My question is: How many men in total live here."

"About 20. The town's total population is about 150."

_A land of ponies, magic, a chaos lord, Elements of Harmony, and to top it all off, 80% female population. Slender help me. Please. Just, get me out of here._

"Well, it's been real nice talking to ya, but I really must get back to work. See ya around."

"Well, it was nice helping you, Kobold"

Kobold looked at Discord apprehensively. "Wait, I never told you my name. How the hell do you know my name?"

"I overheard it."

"Fine. Now, please leave. You beginning to creep me out." Discord left the shack.

"Dear. Goddamn. Slender." Kobold said to himself "If I don't find a way to get my mind off of all this non-sense, I am gonna crack." Kobold looked into his bag, and found the solution to all of his problems

A bottle of whiskey

His prayers had been answered.

Kobold uncorked the bottle and took a nice, long swig. "Damn, that's good stuff. But I should probably be getting back to work." He re-corked the bottle and looked at his shack thus-far.

The floor and walls were a shiny chrome color from the Thermetal. The doors, window frames, and ceiling weren't rotted, so Kobold decided not to replace them.

"Hmm. What to do now?" Kobold shuffled through his bag to find...

A full sized three seat couch and a plasma screen television

Kobold stared questioningly at the two objects. "How in sweet hell did these fit in here. Hell, how does this not weigh the bag down." He struggled to pull the couch out of his bag. It was a tight fit, but he managed to get it out. It was brown and made of plether, not leather but the closest thing to it. He placed it facing the left wall, pulled out the television, and also placed it on the left wall, in front of the couch.

"Still need to understand how this bags works." Kobold opened up the bag, put his head inside, grabbed a flashlight, and searched around the interior of the bag.

After about five minutes of searching, he found a metallic object stuck to the sides with duct tape. It looked like a large twelve sided die without numbers. On each of the faces was a circular hole, and on each vertex was a metal sphere. A magnet and a note was attached to it.

'SCP-184. Do not remove the magnet under any circumstances. The object makes the bag big.'

"Well, that explains the size, but who left the note? Bah, not as important." Kobold noticed a large, again metallic object in a rectangular shape. He went to try to grab it out of interest.

It barely moved.

"reeeeeeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH." Kobold screamed as he tried to move it. After thirty minutes of pulling, he got it out of the bag.

"Slender. DAMMIT. This thing is heavy as hell. Its like is made of a tungsten osmium alloy." Kobold noticed another note on the metal object

'Warning, tungsten osmium alloy. Extremely heavy''

"No shit, Sherlock. Well, I guess it could be used as a desk." Kobold began to push the desk toward the back of the shack. He put his back against it and backpedaled with all his strength.

It took an hour to get it there.

When he got it there, he took a step back to look at it. "All this needs now is... " Kobold pulled out a...

"Swivel office chair." Kobold placed the chair behind the desk, near the back of the shack. "There, perfect. Well, almost." Kobold pulled out a coffee table from his bag "It smells of RICH mahogany." and placed it between the couch and the television.

"There, NOW it's perfect." Kobold looked in admiration of his work. "Now, to the spare room."

Kobold walked into the spare room. It was bare, like the other room, and had one window on the left wall. To his surprise, the floorboard weren't rotted, so he decided not to remove them. He pulled out a queen bed and a small night stand, putting them roughly in the middle of the room.

"I will still never understand how these items got in the bag. And right now I don't really care. Time for a break."

Kobold pulled out an acoustic guitar and a black tablet from his bag, similar to the one he used during the Glutton fight, but it had a white button instead of a red button. He walked into the main room. "One Republic: Counting Stars minus acoustic guitar and main vocals." He tossed the tablet onto the table and laid down on the couch. At first, no music played, but Kobold began to sing and strum on the guitar.

"Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep

Dreaming 'bout the things that we could be

But baby, I've been, I've been prayin' hard

Said no more counting dollars

We'll be counting stars

Yeah, well be counting stars"

At this point, various other instruments began to chime in for a time, then Kobold began to sing again.

"I see this life

Like a swinging vine

Swing my heart across the line

In my face is flashing signs

Seek it out and ye shall find

Old, but I'm not that old

Young, but I'm not that bold

And I don't think the world is sold

On just doing what we're told

IIIIIIIII feel something so right

Doing the wrong thing

And IIIIIIIIIII feel something so wrong

Doing the right thing

I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive"

Kobold got up off of the couch and began to dance a little in place while singing.

"Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep

Dreaming 'bout the things that we could be

But baby, I've been, I've been prayin' hard

Said no more counting dollars

We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep

Dreaming 'bout the things that we could be

But baby, I've been, I've been prayin' hard

Said no more counting dollars

We'll be, We'll be counting stars

I feel this love

And I feel it burn

Down this river every turn

Hope is a four letter word

Make that money

Watch it burn

Old, but I'm not that old

Young, but I'm not that bold

And I don't think the world is sold

On just doing what we're told

IIIIIIIII feel something so right

Doing the wrong thing

And IIIIIIIIIII feel something so wrong

Doing the right thing

I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie

Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep

Dreaming 'bout the things that we could be

But baby, I've been, I've been prayin' hard

Said no more counting dollars

We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep

Dreaming 'bout the things that we could be

But baby, I've been, I've been prayin' hard

Said no more counting dollars

We'll be, We'll be counting stars

Take that money

Watch it burn

Sink in the river

The lessons I've learned

Take that money

Watch it burn

Sink in the river

The lessons I've learned

Take that money

Watch it burn

Sink in the river

The lessons I've learned

Take that money

Watch it burn

Sink in the river

The lessons I've learned

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep

Dreaming 'bout the things that we could be

But baby, I've been, I've been prayin' hard

Said no more counting dollars

We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep

Dreaming 'bout the things that we could be

But baby, I've been, I've been prayin' hard

Said no more counting dollars

We'll be, We'll be counting stars

Take that money

Watch it burn

Sink in the river

The lessons I've learned

Take that money

Watch it burn

Sink in the river

The lessons I've learned

Take that money

Watch it burn

Sink in the river

The lessons I've learned

Take that money

Watch it burn

Sink in the river

The lessons I've learned."

The song ended and the tablet did not explode. Kobold took a nice, deep breath, contempt in his performance.

"T-that was a real nice song." Said a voice from the door. It was Fluttershy. Kobold said "How much of that did you hear?"

"Almost all of it. I was passing by. It sounds like something you would sing to a special somepony."

Kobold stared at Fluttershy. "A what?"

"You know, somepony that you care about deeply."

"OOOOHHHH," exclaimed Kobold, "Special someBODY. A girlfriend, I get it."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Do you have one?"

"I don't believe so, then again, memory loss. You're not asking, are you?"

"Nono, just curious."

"Good, cause no offense, but I don't like you like that. A new friend, yes, but not a girlfriend. Plus, look at you, then look at me, look at you, then look at me, your a pony, I'm a human. There's a species barrier there." Kobold moved him arm up and down in front of his face when he said barrier.

"Well, I need some time to myself after finishing my place. I saw a forest near here, think I'm gonna take a walk in there."

Fluttershy looked worried. "B-b-but that's the Everfree Forest."

"And?" Kobold asked.

"In there, the animals take care of themselves, the plants grow wild, and the clouds move, all on there own." Fluttershy explained.

"Sounds perfectly normal to me."

Fluttershy stared at Kobold, not believing what he just said.

"Well," Said Kobold, "I'm off, see ya around." Kobold grabbed the tablet and put it and the guitar into his bag, then walked out. The sky was turning a reddish orange color from the setting sun. Kobold took a deep breath, inhaling the cool late afternoon air. "Well, off to the forest."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_Everfree Forest_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

Kobold walked into the forest, taking a deep breath to inhale to air. It was beginning to get dark, the sun barely showing through the trees. The only sign that it was there was a small amount of reddish orange light. The forest looked like a dark entanglement of trees, making the place seem darker than it should. The overall feel of the forest was creepy.

Kobold, for the first time since he was here, felt at home.

It was a weird sensation, a creepy place feeling like home, but it felt good none-the-less. Kobold walked for about 15 minutes through the forest, until the night had fully taken over, not a sliver of sunlight left. He began to feel energized, not so much as when he grabbed the paper earlier today, but energized none the less. Kobold threw a few punches into the air in front of him to release some of this energy. He began to talking himself

"Okay, gotta evaluate the situation. I've fallen out of the sky from who-the-hell-knows into a world we're horses are the dominant species. I've blown up a fat man-spider, and was able to befriend a native and get an old shack out of her. I've improved the shack, met a Chaos Lord, and now I'm walking through a forest the natives are scared of for no evidential reason, talking to myself about the situation." Kobold evaluated. "Why does it feel like I've been through weirder."

Before he could finish his thought, a sparkling, dark blue mist began to emanate from the path in front of him. "Three times in one day." Kobold pulled out his sword from his bag and charged at the mist.

A feminine voice came from the mist. "Sheathe your weapon. I mean you no harm." Kobold stopped in his tracks. He reluctantly put his sword away. "Aight, my sword is gone. Now, who the hell are you."

An alicorn walked out of the mist. She had a dark blue coat, blue hair, and a crescent moon with a dark "splat" Cutie Mark. "I am Princess Luna, I raise the moon and keep watch every night. I was told of what occurred earlier today from my sister. She agreed to watch the night for a time so I could see this. You are a very curious creature indeed. Most ponies are too afraid to walk into the Everfree Forest, and yet you waltz in here like it's nothing."

"Well, what I've been told about this place sounds perfectly normal. Honestly, I have no idea why there so afraid of this place."

"It's because it isn't normal here. Animals DON'T care for themselves, plants DON'T grow wild, and clouds DON'T move on their own."

"Holy damn, now I'm starting to get why their so afraid. It's so different than what their used to."

"Another thing. You walked in here at night. Nopony walks in here at night. Some don't even leave their houses after dark, and most don't leave their towns. And even those who do don't bask in the night. You, you seem to work differently, basking in the dark."

"An entire world of scotophobics, eh? And I do enjoy the night. The cool air, the darkness, the silence, it's bliss."

Luna stared at Kobold for a moment. "Nopony's ever talked about the night like that."

"No ones ever had such a strong affiliation."

"I have a feeling that were going to be good friends."

_Damn, first Twilight, now this? I have a way of having royalty want to be my friend. Weird, really.  
><em>

"Well, I'd better be off. Nice meeting you, Luna."

"Nice meeting you too."

The two parted ways, and Kobold headed back to his house.

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Outside Kobold's Shack_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

Kobold had finally gotten out of the forest. It was maze-like, and it took him almost half and hour to find his way back. As he walked up the steps and reached for the door handle, he had a sneaking suspicion that he forgot to do something before he left. Kobold opened the door and...

Oh yeah, that's right.

He had forgotten to lock the door.

Inside his house was about 15 ponies, all staring at him.

"Surprise!" They all yelled at one. Pinkie jumped in front of Kobold, startling him.

"Hi, Kobold," she said, "I made this party just for you to welcome you to Ponyville. Do you like it?"

Kobold heart began to beat at an almost deadly pace. He ran away as fast as he could, towards the Everfree Forest, screaming, intending to get away from the ponies. He ran for about 5 minutes until he tripped over a root. He got up and took a moment to settle his heart and have his lungs catch up with the rest of him.

"Koooobooooold." He heard some voices far behind him. He recognized them as the Elements. _Shit, there coming. Gotta hide._ He saw nothing to hide in but bushes, so he jumped into one of them. After about a minute, he heard hoofsteps nearbye.

"Maybe he's in one of these bushes." He heard Twilight say. _Please don't see me, please don't see me, please don't see me, please dont see me._ Twilight opened up the bush he was hiding in and looked directly at him.

"He's not here. Maybe he ran further ahead." The group walked off further into the forest. Kobold couldn't believe his luck. "How is that even possi-" Kobold gripped his head in pain, screaming. He was getting a massive headache. The meaning of the word on the page that he had gotten earlier today became clear.

Perception Filter: a filter that allows a person or object to appear insignificant to everything else. Can also function in the opposite way, attracting attention.

"He's back there." Kobold heard. He began to run back to town. Before he could get far, Twilight teleported in front of him. Kobold jumped off the path and ran again, but Twilight teleported again, and somehow, the other Elements had gotten around him.

He was surrounded.

"Okay," Twilight panted, "Now. Tell us. Why. You ran." "Well, no use avoiding it now. Hear it goes." Kobold took a deep breath, "I'm antisocial."

"Don't. Make up. Words. We're too exhausted."

"Wait," Said Kobold. "You don't know what antisocial means?"

"Well, no..."

"It means that I don't like being around a lot of people or have a lot of freinds."

This was a completely new concept to the ponies. "A pony," said Pinkie, "who doesn't like to be with other ponies?"

"Precisely."

"I-I-I," Pinkie stammered. Her entire concept of everything had been skewed.

"I appreciate the thought," said Kobold, "But if you're gonna do this again, invite no more than 5. And at least one guy in that 5."

"But that's not a-"

"Pinkie."

"Oh, all right" Pinkie agreed reluctantly.

"Well," said Twilight, "It's getting late. We'd better be getting back."

"Agreed." Said Kobold. "But first, Pinkie should go to my house and tell the party-goers to leave."

"Okay" Pinkie said sadly.

_If she tries that shit again, I'll have a new person on my shit list._

**Aight, next chapter done in record time. After seeing positive response to the first chapter (I.E. one follow and one favorite) I got up off my ass and started writing. I got 2,000 words done in two days, and I'm proud of it, Slender damnit. But don't expect future chapter to be outputed this fast. I gotta make the idea for the story first, then detail it, write it, proofread it, its a long process**

**Leave a review if you likey****.**

**Fun fact: I had planned to use Kobold in a different fan fiction set in the real world, but discontinued it due to lack of interest, lack of material, more interest in this, and writers block the size of Kim Kardation's ass. No way I could get around that. Story was boring, anyway.**


	3. Chapter 3: Shy Mutilator

**Note: The events of this chapter occur 4 days after Chapter 2.  
><strong>

Kobold was in his home, sitting in the chair, feet propped up crossed on the desk, a small glass of scotch on the rocks his right hand, and a leather-bound book titled "Bestiary: Deadly Creatures of Equestria" in his left. Twilight had given him the book yesterday in exchange for letting her catalog him. And a sample of urine. Why she needed the urine sample as well, Kobold had no idea, but he got an interesting read out of it. He took a sip of scotch from his glass, currently reading a particularly gripping chapter about chimeras. When he got onto the part about how they disembowel their prey, someone knocked on the door.

"Comin'." Kobold said. He opened the door to find a grey pegasus with blond hair, bubble Cutie mark, a saddle bag, and...crossed eyes? Kobold decided not to ask. "Need somethin'?"

"Mail." she said, grabbing a scroll with a red seal out of her bag.

"Thank you." Kobold took the letter and tossed the cross-eyed pegasus a bit out of his pocket. Fluttershy had told him about the currency system the day after the party fiasco, and he found a small bag inside his bag containing gold coins that appeared exactly like bits. "I'll be damned." He remembered saying. He closed the door and opened up the letter.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Kobold. There have been mysterious happenings in a town known as Appleoosa. Ponies have been disappearing, leaving behind only small puddles of blood. Considering your expertise with the Glutton, and knowledge of creatures unknown to us, I request that you take the next train to Appleoosa with the Elements of Harmony to investigate. Tickets contained within this letter. Signed, Princess Celestia.<em>

* * *

><p>"Disappearing ponies, small puddles of blood, and a bad pun name for a town? What could possibly go wrong?"<p>

Kobold packed away his book, gulped down the rest of his scotch, and left for the train station.

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Train Station_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

Kobold got to the train station before anyone else. He got bored and noticed a newsstand with the label "Ponyville Times." Kobold bought one, leaned up against a wall, and began to read it.

There was nothing overly interesting, mainly "Mayor Mare Elected For 5th Consecutive Term" and "Unknown Species Crash Lands", the later being deep within the paper. _Damn, this perception filter really does work._

"Ah see your here early, Kobold." Applejack had arrived while Kobold was busy reading. "Yeah," said Kobold, "Came here soon as I got the letter. Wasn't doing anything interesting, just reading."

"Reading what?"

Kobold pulled out the book he was reading earlier. "Twilight gave it to me. Figured to myself 'Might as well give myself something to do.' Not exactly a lot to do around there. Plus, it's quite interesting. I've gotten to a chapter about chimeras and how they disembowel their prey."

"Mah little sister almost got eaten by one of those things."

"Damn, sorry."

"It's fahin, it's fahin, just don't bring it up again."

"Aight." Kobold got back to reading his paper. In a few minutes, the rest of the Elements gathered at the station.

Twilight said "Okay everypony. And Kobold."

"Yo."

"The train should be here in a few minutes. Kobold, do you have any ideas of what this thing is?"

"I have a few vauge pictures floating around my head. Something might come to me when we see the crime scene. And when we do find something. It would probably be a good idea to listen to everything I say."

"Agreed." They all said at once.

The train arrived a few moments later. This was an overnight ride, so the train had a sleeping quarters. Unfortunately, almost all of the beds were made to hold things half his size. Luckily, there was an extra large compartment near the back to the left, just large enough for him. He threw his bag in it, and lifted himself into the compartment. _Hmm, not bad. Plush, yet firm. _Kobold pulled out his book and started reading again, without any scotch, unfortunatly.

Rainbow Dash had taken that compartment on the other side of him. "Dear Celestia, we're going to have another Twilight on our hooves."

Kobold gave Rainbow Dash the stink eye. Rainbow Dash, remembering what he did to the Glutton a few days ago, decided not to tease Kobold further.

Kobold went back to reading his book. Evidently, chimeras disembowel their victims by inserting their claws directly into the victims anus and creating a hole large enough to disembowel.

He felt something appear on his chest. He lowered his book to find Pinkie staring directly at him.

"Hi, Kobold."

A moment of silence...

"Get off of me."

"Okay."

Kobold, again, got back to his book. If he could juuuuuuuust read without distractions.

"How's that book, Kobold." Twilight took the compartment under Rainbow Dash's.

Well, at least its some intelligent conversation.

"Rather interesting, it is. I've gotten onto chimeras. Although I must ask, why did you ask for a ur-"

"Shhh, nopony needs to know about that."

Kobold was surprised, and frankly a tad scared. Its weird, giant ass man-spiders don't scare him, but an alicorn withholding information about urine does.

"Well, this is an overnight trip, so what to do to pass the time." Kobold said to himself.

"We could all talk." Suggested Fluttershy.

"About?"

"Anything, really. The past few days, maybe?"

"Nothing really worth noting. Got a book. Learned about the currency system. Got wicked sloshed first night here. Found out that the Glutton is not from another dimension through extensive tests. But aside from that, nothing really happened."

"Well, why don't you show everypony that song you were singing your first day here. That would pass the time."

"Aight. Feel like music anyway."

"Okay, everypony," Fluttershy announced, "Kobold is going to give us some in-ride entertainment."

Kobold pulled out his black tablet and said "One Republic: Counting Stars." He then threw the tablet into his carpartment, pulled out the guitar, and repeated his private performance from his first day.

When he was finished, the Elements began to applaud. "Wow, that was pretty good, and I don't normally go for that kind of music." Said Rainbow Dash.

"Do you have any other songs?" Twilight said

"Well, let's see." Kobold pulled out a notepad with virtually thousands of different song names. He found this two days ago when he shuffled through his bag. "Ah, this one sounds good." He grabbed the tablet and said "Living Tombstone: Discord Remix." Some form of synthesizer began to play.

I'm not a fan of puppeteers

But I've a nagging fear

Someone else is pulling all the strings

Something terrible is going down

Through the entire town

Wreaking anarchy and all it brings

I can't sit idly

No, I can't move at all

I curse the name

The one behind it aaaaaall

Discord, I'm howling at the moon

And sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon.

Discord, what ever did we do

To make you take our world away?

Discord, are we your prey alone

Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne.

Discord, we won't take it anymore

So take your tyranny awaaaay.

Kobold, at this point, got down on both knees, looked toward the ceiling, and mouthed 'Discoooord' in perfect sync with the song, throwing his arms into the air. The lyrics returned to normal.

I'm fine with changing status quo

But not in letting go

Now the world is being torn apart

A terrible catastrophe

Played by your symphony

Its a terrifying work of art.

I can't sit idly

No, I can't move at all

I curse the name

The one behind it aaaaaall

Discord, I'm howling at the moon

And sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon.

Discord, what ever did we do

To make you take our world away?

Discord, are we your prey alone

Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne.

Discord, we won't take it anymore

So take your tyranny awaaaay.

The 'Discooooord' portion of the song came back before switching back to normal lyrics after about a minute.

Discord, I'm howling at the moon

And sleeping in the middle of a summer afternoon.

Discord, what ever did we do

To make you take our world away?

Discord, are we your prey alone

Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne.

Discord, we won't take it anymore

So take your tyranny awaaaay.

The song ended, and Kobold got another round of applause from his audience of six. "Well," said Fluttershy, "He's not that bad anymore. I've reformed him."

"Yes, yes," said Kobold, "I'm well aware. He came over to my place the first day I was here."

A moment of awkward, out of place silence

"So," Applejack said to break the silence, "Got anything else, pardner?"

"Depends. Any of you like bar tricks?"

"Yes." They all said simultaneously

"Aight, got something you might find entertaining." Kobold pulled out three sealed beakers, one empty, one half filled with a purple liquid, and the other filled with a red liquid. "In this beaker," Kobold raised the red liquid, "we have deadly, deadly hydrochloric acid. Get this in your eye and you'll be blinded. Just imagine what it'll do to your skin. And in this beaker," Kobold raised the purple liquid, "we have lye. Sink cleaner, also used in some soaps. Still deadly, and you most certainly wouldn't want to drink either of these things. Watch..." He took the covers off of all three beakers and slowly poured the two liquids into the empty one. Kobold took out a stick from his bag and mixed the two liquids, occasionally pouring one of the liquids into the mixture, until it was a nice forest green.

"As you can see, when these two liquids are mixed together, they create a mixture that differentiates from the originals." Kobold took the green mixture, looking at it carefully.

He took a quick sip.

"Tastes like salt water."

"I don't buy it," Exclaimed Twilight, "Those aren't really the chemicals, they're just water and food coloring."

"I knew there would be doubters. And because of that, I've left a little bit of each chemical in the beakers. You are free to test these at your leisure praise." Kobold gave the remaining liquid to Twilight, along with the mixture.

"Well," Said Rarity. "That was quite interesting."

"Yes it was," said Kobold. "And now, I have the sudden urge to look through my bag for entertaining objects." He began to shuffle through his bag until he found a red button, similar to the "I have no idea!" button, but with the words "My body is ready." in white plastic instead. Kobold pressed the button, and a mature, yet slightly high pitched voice came out of the button.

"My body is ready."

Everyone in the cabin began to laugh.

Kobold pressed the button again. This time, a slightly deep voice came out of the button.

"I dont know whats going on, so I'm just gunna let him kill me AAAAAAUUUUUUUGH, MY BODY IS REEAADYYYY."

Everyone laughed again, harder.

Kobold pressed the button again. It was the same voice, but much quieter.

"My booooooody is reeeeaaaaaady"

They didn't laugh as hard this time.

_Hmm, if there are more than one of these kinds of buttons, maybe there's more of them in the bag._ Kobold began to shuffle through his bag again, finding another button, this time with "SHUT UP, NURSE" on the front. He pressed it. It was the same voice as before.

"SHUT UP, NURSE. I KNOW WHAT'S BEST."

Another laugh.

This continued late into the night, pulling out many fantastic and funny things from his bag. _How did I not see these before? _

Eventually, Kobold became tired, and tried to sleep, but the other passengers were a 'bit' noisy. So he decided to create a train of thought about the disappearences

_Okay, so these ponies disappeared, leaving behind only small puddles of blood. I have high doubts that they're still alive. But the question now is 'what killed them'. Dammit, I hate being an amnesiac. I might've had a clue of what we're going up against. _

"Hey, Kobold." Rainbow Dash was looking at him with a curious look. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"Oh, nothing. Just trying to...remember a recipe for Freezepalm." Said Kobold, not wanting to talk about the disappearances.

"Freezepalm?" Questioned Twilight, who had been listening in on the conversation.

"Yes. Ever heard of Napalm before?"

"No..."

"Well, it's this gel that's highly flammable. Sticks to virtually any surface and wont stop burning until it's fuel runs out. Freezepalm is essentially the same AND the reverse of that, producing a cold flame instead."

"I see..." Said Twilight, a tad scared that Kobold would know that.

"I'm putting the equation for the recipe through my head. The problem is I need to lower the temperature of the gel to an exact amount. Too cold, and it doesn't burn. Too warm, and the flame doesn't hurt."

"Well," Chimed in Rainbow Dash, "Maybe you should make it twenty percent cooler." She chuckled at the joke.

Kobold took this seriously "That would neve-wait a second." Kobold put the equation together, this time making the all temperature related variables twenty percent lower then their current amount. "Uh-huh, that's right, carry the 3, eliminate all variables, simplify... I'll be damned. It works! If I got the equation right, and my hands on some liquid nitrogen, this should work!"

"Wait, really? I was saying that as a joke, I didn't mean to-"

"Rainbow Dash. You. Are. Dead." Twilight said angrily was Kobold was still celebrating his success.

"I say we celebrate." Kobold produced a champagne bottle and one champagne glass. He poured the champagne into the glass and offered it to Rainbow Dash.

"No thanks, I don't drink."

"Suit yourself." Kobold downed the glass

And then the entire bottle.

"Woah." Kobold felt the effects of the champagne almost instantly "This must be the 210 proof stuff. Excuse me while I air myself out." Kobold walked out the back door, very clearly drunk. They were the last car in the train, so it just led out to a small train-balcony of sorts.

**Interjection: I'm sorry, but my knowledge of trains is very limited. If I've wrote something that makes me seem very stupid, I am very sorry. **

Kobold pulled out a lawn chair from his bag and placed it down. He sat in it and put his feet, crossed, up on the railing. He looked out towards the terrain. His vision began to fade as the alcohol hit his brain, causing it to shut down.

Before he blacked out, he could have sworn he saw a white figure running along the tracks toward their destination.

_/\/\/\/\/\_

_Morning_

_/\/\/\/\/\_

"Come on, Kobold," Said a soft voice next to Kobold. "It's time to get up. We're almost there."

"Owwwwwww." Kobold woke up, completely hung over. "Ahhhhh, sweet mother of Jeff. Fluttershy, what happened last night?"

"You drunk an entire bottle of 210 proof champagne, came out here to get some air, and passed out."

"That would explain this headache. One moment please." Kobold pulled out a pill bottle from his bag, grabbed one pill, and swallowed it. After about a minute, his headache was gone. "Ah, much better. You said that we're almost there?"

"Yes, in just a few minutes."

"Well, better pack my things." Kobold went inside and picked up the champagne bottle and glass, stowing it away in his bag.

After a few minutes, the train arrived at the Appleoosa Station. Kobold got off the train and...

It's like he stepped into a pony-fied western film.

The entire town looked like a normal western town, but with a brighter color scheme.

"Applejack, don't you have a cousin here?" Asked Rarity.

"Braeburn? He's moved. Don't know were to, though."

"Alright, ponies, here's the plan." Kobold announced. "Go to the crime scene, look for evidence, and see what did this. Twilight, were is the crime scene?"

"Behind the saloon."

"Okay, lets get moving." It took Kobold about 3 minutes to find the saloon. The group walked behind it to find yellow crime scene tape everywhere, but not a pony in sight.

Aside from a single male earth pony.

His coat was a coffee brown and his mane was a darker brown. He wore a short trench coat, despite the heat, and a fancy looking fedora. His Cutie Mark was a loafer with a chewed piece of gum on it.

"Morning, sir" greeted Kobold. "I am Kobold Hosamen. Might I inquire what you are doing here?"

"Sorry, sir, the name's Gum Shoe. I'm a detective working this case. I received a letter saying that you were coming."

"Well, have you found anything that might help."

"Nothing new. Disappearances, small puddles of blood, and screaming is all I know."

"Screaming?"

"Oh, yes, witnesses reported screaming before the pony disappears. Something terrifying and un-Celestia-ly. And most definitely not made by any known creature."

"Screaming, small puddles of blood, and a bad detective name pun..." Incoherent images began to flash through Kobold brain. He couldn't make any of it out.

"Hey," Said Rainbow Dash, "What's that thing." She pointed off into the distance, to a white, humanoid figure. No one could make out the details of it, only that it was facing away from them. "I'm going to get closer." Said Kobold.

"I'm coming with." Gum Shoe said.

"Okay, but do exactly what I say."

"We'll see about that."

The two walked up the figure. They could now make out that this creature was malnourished. Its bones could be clearly seen through its skin. It was sitting on the ground, its bloody hands on its knees. Kobold grunted, gripping his head with one hand as the information of this creature flooded his mind.

* * *

><p><em>SCP-096: The Shy Guy. Standing at 2.5 meters tall, it remains docile unless a being views its face. When this occurs, SCP-096 will enter a state of extreme emotional distress. This state will last for about 2 minutes, and then SCP-096 will enter an enraged stage. During this state, SCP-096 will pursue the being which viewed SCP-096's face, now designated SCP-096-1, and attempt to kill and (DATA EXPUNGED). To date, no known material has been shown to impede SCP-096's progress toward SCP-096-1.<em>

* * *

><p>Kobold's grunt had drawn the attention of SCP-096, making it turn it's head. The skin was shriveled slightly, its eyes were a pure black, and blood covered its mouth<p>

Every. Single. Person. There. Saw. It.

SCP-096 entered it's emotional state, screaming and gripping its face with its blood covered, abnormally long hands.

"Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit." Kobold swore repeatedly.

"What the hell is that thing!" Gum Shoe yelled.

Kobold had already began running. When he reached halfway back to town, he stopped and turned around.

And he really wished he hadn't.

SCP-096 had left its emotional state and went into its enraged state, charging at Gum Shoe with its arms outstretched. When it got to him, it dug its hands deep within Gum Shoe.

SCP-096 ripped Gum Shoe apart, all while he was screaming.

And when he was done, SCP-096 devoured every last bit of him, leaving behind only a small puddle of blood.

And then it charged at the Elements.

Kobold was right in the path of its charge. Beleiving that he could stop this thing, he braced for kickback, and put his hands up in front of him in a blocking manner. SCP-096 slammed right into his hands, holding it in place but sending Kobold back words while he was still on his feet and creating a cloud of dust.

The two entered a pushing contest, both equally strong enough to keep each other in place, but SCP-096 had an extraordinary amount of stamina. Kobold's arms and legs were beginning to shake from the strain. Sweat poured down his face.

He looked behind him to see the Elements, all of them having horrified looks on their faces. He remembered that these were the same ponies that had taken him in when he had crash landed. The same ponies who had let him live in their town.

The same ponies who didn't leave him to rot.

He couldn't just let them die.

Not without a fight.

He turned back toward SCP-096, its face mere inches from his. He looked toward the ground and whispered "I can't let you hurt them." He looked towards its face again, a look of steely determination upon his face. His tone raised in anger and volume.

"I won't let you hurt them." Steely determination turned into rage as Kobold stared into SCP-096's cold, dark, beady eyes. His rage built as adrenaline pumped through his bloodstream.

And then he yelled.

"YOU. SHALL NOT. PASS."

The adrenaline increased his strength to the point were Kobold was able to push back SCP-096, albeit slowly. Eventually, he was able to send it flying with an arm thrust so powerful it should have created a shockwave.

But that didn't stop it landed, it got back on its feet and ran back toward Kobold.

Kobold had forgottrn to set his perception filter to 'target'. SCP-096 jumped over Kobold in an attempted to mutilate the Elements.

"Oh no you dont." Kobold grabbed SCP-096 by the feet, pulled it back, and spun it around him, gaining momentum until Kobold let go, sending SCP-096 into the far distance

"So long, kay donkey"

SCP-096 got back up and charged Kobold again.

Kobold reached into his bag and pulled out his sword. He put his back on the ground and raised his sword horizontially above him. SCP-096 was impaled through its chest by the sword. The momentum of the impact flipped it around so the sword went into the ground with SCP-096 still impaled, and Kobold stood in front of it, both hands on the sword, driving it further down. SCP-096 was flailing about, and was able to slash Kobold's leg, cleaving off some flesh. White hot agony coursed through his leg.

"These are my best pants, dammit." Kobold moved to the side and grabbed SCP-096, pulling its body up until it was at the handle. Using the last bit of adrenaline, he pulled SCP-096 into two pieces in a bloody shower, throwing the pieces behind him. Kobold retrieved his sword from the ground.

Completely unaware that SCP-096 torso was still alive, and clawing its way up to Kobold. He heard this and, using his good leg, smashed SCP-096's head to peices.

"Looks like Fifty Shades of Gray. Matter." Kobold turned around to find a peice of paper, similar to the one the Glutton dropped.

He picked it up.

On it was written "CAN'T RUN" over a circle, a shade type of thing, and an X. Kobold flipped the paper over to find another crudely drawn word.

Blink.

The paper crumbled to ash, just like the first, and Kobold felt the surge of energy. His leg was fully healed, and better than ever.

Kobold turned around to find the Elements staring at him, jaws dropped.

Twilight was the first to recover. "You-you just maimed that thing. Without any mercy."

"I'm sorry you had to see that. Especially Gum Shoe getting pulled apart."

Fluttershy recovered next. "That thing, whatever it was, it was going to kill us all. If Kobold hadn't been here..."

"You'd be freak food."

Twilight spoke again. "You have saved our lives twice in the past four days. We cannot thank you enough."

"No thanks necessary. Just let me live in the town rent free." Kobold chuckled a little bit.

"But, I must ask," said Twilight, "What did you pick up?"

"Piece of paper. Crumbled to ash, though." Kobold pointed toward the small pile of ash that was once the paper.

"What was on it?"

"Nothing important." Avoided Kobold. He didn't exactly want to scare them with the fact that he might have the ability of 'blink', whatever that was.

Twilight narrowed her eyes, looking suspiciously at Kobold. "Alright." She said causiously.

"Well, were not gunna get anything done standing around here, are we. Let's get back to town"

Rarity spoke up "What about the blood? And the crime scene? And...Gum Shoe?"

"I'll tell the local authorities that the problem is solved, Gum Shoe is dead, and to get a clean up crew. Now, back to town."

**Oh, man, I've been waiting FOREVER to get to this chapter. I've been psyched to get to fight scenes in this fanfic. And that gore. AMAZING. Oh, it just feels so good to do this. I love writing this, and I no-homo love my total of 2 fans. But sereiously, it be very nice if I could get a bit more publicity. So, I ask this of you...**

**Tell your kids**

**Tell your friends**

**Tell your wife**

**I'll fuck her**

**That's right, I'll fuck her. Cause at No Man's Land fan fiction, your fucked six ways Sunday.**

**Heh. I've been waiting awhile to parody big bill hell. In all seriousness, if you like this story, favorite/follow/reveiw this. I realize that I look like I'm begging, and I admit, I may be. But seeing a follow and a favorite the first day this was out really inspired me to write faster. So, if I get more publicity, then I'll try to pull out chapters faster and with better quality. And in re-reading this, I sound like an attention whore.**

**Until next time...**

**Fun Fact: The 'my body is ready' button and the 'SHUT UP, NURSE' button, minus the first line, was intended to be Markiplier's voice.**


	4. Chapter 4: Snow Fortress 2: Ponies

**Note: This chapter continues after the train ride home from Appleoosa in the previous chapter.  
><span>**

**And yes, this is a TF2 parody chapter. If you don't know what that is, just look up 2Fort on images and that'll give you all the background you need to make complete sense of this all. Anything else is optional.  
><span>**

Kobold and the Elements got off of the train. It was late into the night. Most of them were tired, except for Kobold, who slept on the way back.

Applejack spoke "Well, night y'all. See y'all in the morning."

All the Elements walked back to their homes. Kobold walked back with Fluttershy, since they're practically neighbors.

"Hey, Flutters," Kobold said. "I'd like to apologize again for what happened back there. I realize that you've seen a lot of gore recently, and I know what that can do to a person."

"I-it's fine." stammered Fluttershy. She was experiencing a bit of PTSD from all the gore. Everypony was.

"No, no, it's not fine. I gotta make it up to you. To everyone." Kobold pulled out a metallic red flower top with 6 large petals. The bottom of the flower petals had small spout-like openings. Kobold placed the metal flower in her hair.

"It's an accessory that doubles with utility. Press the middle of the flower." She did.

A warm gust of wind blew across her from the spouts. It felt nice in the cold night air.

"See? Nice accessory along with a way to warm yourself up on cold nights or days. You can change the air temperature by turning it right. That'll make it cold. Turn it left for warm air again."

Fluttershy tried this, turning the middle of the flower to the right until she heard a click. She pressed the button again and ice cold air blew from the spouts. She shivered and turned it back to warm air.

"Thank you, Kobold. This is really nice. It also looks nice too."

The two had arrived at their houses. "Night, Fluttershy." "Good night, Kobold."

Kobold took one step into his house, froze, and realized that he had to do something. "Slender dammit, I gotta find out were the hell these things are coming from." Kobold pulled out a handheld scanner of some kind. It had a gauge and a small dial on the front, a switch on the side, and the label 'Reality Scanner' on the top. He flipped the switch, and the gauge spun wildly. Loud electrical noises emitted from the device. Kobold was caught off guard and jumped back. He turned the dial down until it only made a small amount of static noise and the gauge was on the left.

He walked over to were he crashed not 5 days ago. The trench had been cleared up, and the Glutton gore removed, the only sign that anything had happened here were the green cracks in the air, dimly glowing were the Glutton had appeared. As he approached the cracks, the scanner gauge began to rise, and the static began to become louder. When he was a foot away from it, the scanner went back to its state before tuning it, the gauge going crazy and the electrical noise louder than ever.

"What could this mean?"

"I could tell you." Discord had snuck up on Kobold. He jumped

"What in hell's name are you doin' here?"

"I saw that you were trying to determine where these creatures are coming from, and I might have some answers."

"How would-you know what, never mind. What do you have?"

"These creatures are coming from different realities. They are transporting themselves through 'cracks' in the fabric of reality."

"Wait a second, wait wowowo, how do you know this?"

"I am the Lord of Chaos. The disruption of reality is my parlor trick. I can sense it."

A new voice joined the duo. "And you never told us why?" Princess Luna had materialized behind Discord.

"Oh, whats the fun in that?"

Kobold kept a poker face, determined not to let Discord see what he thought of this. "Discord, could you come down here for a minute." Kobold beckoned. "Just a minute, that's all." Discord lowered its head until it was eye level with Kobold.

And then Kobold bitchslapped the hell out of Discord with a satisfying _smack_, sending it sprawling to the side.

"THAT is for not telling me. Or Luna. Or anyone, for that matter."

"You didn't need to hit me THAT hard."

"Yes, I did. Now that we know this, we know that ANYTHING from ANYWHERE can kill us at ANYTIME. The fabric of reality is splitting apart, for fuck's sake. This could mean the end of this world."

Luna chimed in. "But why here. Why not some other reality?"

Kobold spoke. "I miiiiiiiight have an answer to that." He showed her the scanner. "This is suppose to scan how badly reality is being distorted. When I first booted it up, it flared wildly, but then I tuned it down, and it was less...wild. Then I approached these cracks-" Kobold pointed to the cracks. "-and it went wild again. If this means what I think it means, the fabric of reality is weaker here than it is in any other place. As to why that is is anyone's guess. But I think we shouldn't tell anyone else. No need to spread panic. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"Agreed."

"So, I propose that we leave to our homes, forget this encounter, and live our lives normally until we have a solution. All opposed?"

No answer

"Good, we have an agreement. Night, Luna." Kobold narrowed his eyes "Discord."

So the trio split ways and went back home.

Completely unaware that a certain tiny white bunny had heard the entire conversation.

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_Boxing Ring_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

Kobold found himself in the middle of a boxing ring with a spotlight shining on him. Hundreds of spectators were cheering from the bleachers. A microphone lowered from the ceiling. He grabbed it and began to announce.

"Welcome, ladies and gents, to tonight's Fight Night. We got a great match up for this fight. In this corner, weighing one hundred and fifty six pounds, The Remix Remasterer, the Undead Stoner, The Liiiiviiiiing Toooooooooombstooooooooooooone."

The spotlight flashed to a corner. It that corner was a muscular man of medium height, wearing a dark blue T-shirt, a gray sweatshirt, and jeans. His hair was sticking directly up in the air, and his eyes were pure white and blank.

"And in this corner," Kobold continued, "weighing a mere one hundred and two pounds, the Mistress of the Night, the butt of far too many moon jokes, Princeeeeeeess Luuuuunaaaaaaaa.

The spotlight gleamed toward the corner opposite of The Living Tombstone. A woman of medium height wearing a dress with a pattern one might atribute to the night sky was standing there. She had blue eyes, shimmering blue hair, and regal features.

Not to mention the nicely sized melons.

The two fighters walked to the middle of the ring "Alright, you know how this goes, first one to tap out loses. Ready?"

They both nodded. Kobold jumped out of the ring and watched the two fighters began to duke it out when the bell rung. In the end, Luna won after she piledrived Tombstone's face into the ground.

Pinkie jumped in front of Kobold's face. "And that's how Equestria was made!"

_/\/\/\/\_

_Reality_

_/\/\/\/\_

Kobold woke with a start. "Phew, it was all just a dream." He was about to get out of bed, but then he noticed something.

It was cold.

Colder than it should be.

Normally, he enjoyed the cold, but this was unexpected. He looked toward the window to see a truly beautiful sight.

Snow.

Snow everywere.

Kobold ran outside and took in the veiw. A white blanket of fluffy coldness covered everything in sight. Gray was the color of the overcast.

It was heavenly.

Kobold pulled out the black tablet and said "Winter Wonderland". Some uplifting music began to play as he danced around in the snow.

Sleigh bells ring  
>Are you listening<br>In the lane  
>Snow is glistening<br>A beautiful sight,  
>We're happy tonight<br>Walking in a winter wonderland

Gone away, is the bluebird  
>Here to stay, is a new bird<br>He sings a love song,  
>While we go along<br>Walking in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman  
>And pretend that he is Parson Brown<br>He'll say Are you married  
>We'll say No Man<br>But you can do the job  
>When you're in town<p>

Later on  
>We'll conspire<br>As we dream by the fire  
>To face unafraid<br>The plans that we've made  
>Walking in a winter wonderland<p>

In the meadow we can build a snowman  
>And pretend that he's a circus clown<br>We'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman  
>Until the other kids knock him down<p>

When it snows  
>Ain't it thrilling<br>Though your nose is a chilling  
>We'll frolic and play the Eskimo way<br>Walking in a winter wonderland

A beautiful sight were happy tonight  
>Walking in a winter wonderland<br>Walking in a winter wonderland  
>Walking in a winter wonderland<br>Walking in a winter wonderland.

Kobold fell onto the snow and began to unconsciously make a snow angel. It would have been great.

If it wasn't for the snowball that hit him square in the face.

Kobold got up, looking quite pissed, and looked around for the culprit. Then he heard the familiar laugh from up above.

Kobold sighed "Rainbow Dash." He scanned the sky for her. Kobold found the cyan bitch on the cloud about 3 yards away, laughing her ass off. _I teach ya not ta fuck with me. _He picked up some snow with his bare hands, molded it into a ball, and aimed it at Rainbow Dash. _Aim up for gravity, account for wind speed... FIRE. _

It hit her directly in the face.

"OW, what the hay was that for?"

"That was for throwing one at me, dammit!"

"You wanna fight, pretty boy?"

"I'll gladly take you on. Right here, right now. Snowball fight. I'll give you thirty minutes to create a fort."

"It's on."

Over the next half hour, the two constructing their forts. Rainbow Dash settled for a large, misshaped, long pile of snow, while Kobold...

He had constructed an enormous building out of snow. It had two main entrances leading inside with ramps going into them. On the second floor was a balcony and an overhang bunker type thing in the middle of it.

Rainbow Dash was staring at the construct, jaw dropped. "H-how..."

"Quick hands, engineering mind, and a whole lot of compacting."

"W-what is it."

"I call it 2Fort." Kobold said the name with pride.

"Now, TO BATTLE."

Kobold ran into 2Fort. Inside, both entrances conjoined into one hallway, and then split again in a T intersection. Kobold turned right into a large room, continued forward, and turned left into a courtyard with two sets of stairs leading up to a scaffolding. He walked up the stairs and turned left into a room larger than the one downstairs. Walking forward, Kobold came to a small hallway that was angled at a perfect 90 degrees. He turned right, and came to the balcony, were he had stashed a large pile of snowballs, tiny compared to various other piles around his base, and an assortment of weapons modified to harmlessly fire snowballs.

Weeeeell, maybe not entirely harmless.

He picked up a weapon resembling a six-round, break-action grenade launcher with adjustable weapon sights, wooden stock and foregrip. He loaded some of the larger snowballs into it. He jumped out from behind cover to find Rainbow Dash flying above her 'fort' with two snowballs in her hooves and ready to fire.

But then she that saw that Kobold didn't prepare for a battle.

He readied for a war.

Rainbow Dash threw her two snowballs, but Kobold dodged both of them. He fired off one snowball, but failed to account for the arch, and it came plummeting down. When it hit the ground, it exploded into a large mess of snow bigger than the ball would suggest. _Hehehe, exploding snowball grenades. Damn, I'm good._

"LEEET'S DO IIIIIIIT." Kobold yelled in a fake Scottish accent. He fired wildly into the air, hoping that one of the snow grenades would hit Rainbow Dash, but she had already ducked behind her 'fort'. The snowballs had blown up small parts of her wall. Kobold ducked behind cover to reload.

When he got out, Rainbow Dash was nowhere to be seen. Kobold looked around the battlefield, but there was no sign of-wait, are those hoof prints? The trail of hoof prints led into 2Fort. Kobold turned toward the small corridor and heard the ever so faint foot steps of Rainbow Dash attempting to sneak up on him.

He pointed the grenade launcher at the corridor and waited. When Rainbow Dash came around the corner, he fired off a shot.

It hit her directly in her face.

"Game, set, and match."

"I-I lost..." Rainbow Dash was clearly depressed about losing.

"Rainbow Dash, I've killed an enormous man-spider and a homicidal shy mutilator. Did you really think that you stood a chance?"

She nodded.

"Holy damn, you're prideful. But you know what they say, 'Pride comes before destruction.'"

"I-I want a rematch!"

"Suit yourself. But this time, I'll give you a break. I'm giving you an extra half hour to improve your base and maaaaaybe get a friend into the arena. Your half hour begins...NOW."

Rainbow Dash hurried back to her shameful wall of a fort. During the half hour, she repaired her walls, added a roof, and made an entrance. It resembled a very long igloo with the back cut off and a few windows up front. With about five minutes left, Applejack came across the battle zone.

"What in tarnation is goin' on here?"

Kobold responded "Snowball battle. Rainbow Dash lost the first round, now I'm giving her another chance to improve and change her strategy. Your welcome to join her side, though. Always love a good challenge."

"Alright."

"Okay, seeing as this is now one versus two, I think its reasonable to set up a rule or two. One direct hit from a snowball and your out. All opposed?"

No answer.

"Well, your half hour is up, Dash," Kobold picked up a typical rocket-propelling device with a protruding metal side and a wide exhaust port. He stuffed four rocket-shaped snowballs into the front port.

Kobold yelled. "Last one alive, lock the door!" in a gruff, pure American accent. He fired a snowball towards Rainbow Dash's, and now Applejack's, improved base. This projectile did not arch, but instead traveled straight forward. It hit the wall of the fort, but did no visible damage. _By Slender, I really AM a genius._

Kobold's opponents began to lob snowballs at him.

Not a single one of them hit.

"Let me show you how it's done." Kobold fired the remaining three snowballs in quick succession. However, he waited a second to fire the third. It was a brilliant decision. When the two thought that the barrage was over, they stuck their heads out of their forts.

Rainbow Dash got a face full of snowball rocket.

Applejack was the last one left. When Kobold ducked behind cover to reload, she snuck into 2Fort. It was the same method that Rainbow Dash had used.

So, of course, it was doomed to fail.

Kobold even expected it. He readied himself in front of the corridor.

He fired his rocket so the precise moment Applejack turned the corner, she was hit in the face.

_Seems to be a lot of face hitting with these snowballs._

Applejack got up. "Alright, you win. Game over."

Rainbow Dash yelled from their base "I WANT ANOTHER REMATCH."

"Okay, I'll give you one hour this time. Get all the troops you can to revise your strategy."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Half An Hour Later_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Oh. Shit. Well, I'm fucked._

Kobold looked at the line up. Every one of the Elements had gathered to Rainbow Dash's aid. She had just got done telling them the rules and their strategy. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but they looked determined to beat him.

Rainbow Dash lead them inside, were they began to refine their base. By the end of the deadline, the base was done. The hallways formed a hollow square, with four extra hallways leading into a central dome, quickly built by the many hands, or actually hooves, on the job. It resembled nothing of the original sloppy wall of snow she had used before.

_Shit shit shit, this isn't good. _Kobold flipped through his modified weapons to see what would be best in this situation. He spotted a long metal pole connected by a hose to a propane tank. The tank was attached to the pole via fastening bands. The trigger was made out of a red gas pump handle. It basically looked like a flamethrower, but it had no pilot light and was attached to a large tank filled with snow. Kobold put the tank on his back, picked up the weapon, and pulled the trigger.

A stream of fluffy snow came out of the front.

_A snow blower! Literally._

Kobold shifted through the weapon pile and found dual flare guns, already loaded. With snowballs, of course. _These might come in handy. _He shoved the flare guns into his pockets.

Kobold picked up a gas mask from inside the weapon pile. _Wait a second, what the hell is a GAS MASK doing in a weapon pile? M__ust've came out when I grabbed the weapons. _He decided to put the gas mask on. He jumped down from the balcony and checked the time. "Yrrr Hrrr's Mp, Dssh." _Holy damn, I can't speak in this mask. _Kobold walked up the the entrance of her base. He tried to yell "You can go to hell," but instead what came out was...

"Hudda Hudda huh."

Kobold charged into the base. He was presented with a three way intersection. He chose to go left. He walked forward until he come to a right turn. He turned right.

And came face to face with Rarity.

Kobold jumped a bit and pulled the trigger, covering the white unicorn with... well, more white. The only thing that wasn't covered were her eyes. Kobold chuckled a little bit. He turned back. He could hear voices coming from the snowicorn, but he couldn't fully make it out. _Prooooooobably something profane._

Kobold continued forward until he hit another turn, left this time. He turned and there was nothing. Continuing forward, halfway through the hallway, he came to another intersection. Going left would go into the central area. Going forward would make him loop around back to were Rarity was. Kobold decided to move forward, and continued until he got back to were Rarity was.

But she wasn't alone. Fluttershy was attempting to get the snow off of Rarity. "Just give me a minute, I'll get it off." Kobold snuck up on the two and blasted them both with the snow.

And now they were in a very, VERY awkward position.

Fluttershy muffled something under the snow Kobold couldn't make out. But he could make a rough guess

'Tell nopony of this'

Kobold backtracked to the central dome area. Inside of the dome were various mounds of snow and snowballs. Directly in the middle was a sunroof. He scanned the area, finding nothing. Right when he was about to leave, he spotted something

A tip of rainbow colored hair, hidden behind one of the central mounds.

_There you are._

Jumping over the mound, Kobold blasted away at the hologram of Rainbow Dash. _Dammit, I've been tricked. _The remaining non-snowlogged ponies popped up from cover. Twilight had created the illusionary hologram to draw him in. All four of them blocked the exits.

All armed to the teeth with snowballs.

And they began to throw them.

From every corner.

It was like time began to slow down. Kobold spotted a mound of snow, positioned right were none of them could hit him. Unfortunately, he was too far away to get the- Kobold's body decomposed into a dark blue mist, similar in color to his hoodie. Before he could process this, he was behind the snow mound, still in one piece. The dark mist that he was earlier dispersed. Kobold looked at were he used to be.

There were 3 semi-transparent lines of dark blue, a thick one on top, a thin one right below the thick one, and a medium sized one basicly where his ass was. These lines led from were he used to be to were he was.

They faded within in a second. All the ponies were looking around, confused at what just happened. Kobold took his chance, pulled out his dual flare guns, and shot down Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie and Twilight snapped out of their shock and began to lob snowballs in his direction. Kobold pulled up his weapon and ducked beind his mound. When he got back up and ready to fight, they were already ready for another barage. Kobold didn't react fast enough, and by the time he registered this, it was too late.

He accidently pressed a button on the snowblower, and a wall of snow launched out of it, causing the snowballs to reflect back towards their throwers, hitting them both.

_Good ol' deus ex_ _machina._

"Congratulations, Kobold. You have defeated an alicorn at a snowball war. Now, tell me how you did that teleport or let's say I know a certain somepony who can get the answer out of you."

"Well, I dont exactAAAAAHHHHH." Kobold felt another massive headache. When it began to subside, the meaning of 'blink' became clear

_Blink: The rapid acceleration and deceleration of an object. In this case, dark blue smoke and a trail is left behind as a trace of blinking. Much like short range teleportation without the ability to move through solid object._

The headache subsided. Kobold recited the newly gained information.

"And exactly HOW did you get this ability?"

Weeeeeell," Kobold scratched his neck nervously. He put on his most innocent smile and voice. "Remember when I got that paper yesterday? Well, the back of it maaaaaaaay have said 'blink' on it. And before you ask, I kept it from all of you because I thought you might have tried to strap me down and test me."

"The only time I've done that is when I was trying to determine how Pinkie works. Needless to say, I didn't get very far."

"I can guess."

"In the future, TELL US ABOUT THESE ABILITIES."

"Okay, okay, fine, I'll tell you about them in the future."

**Horrible chapter endings FTW.**

**But seriously, this last part was hurried so I could get to writing a different, one chapter fanfic deal. So, if your interested, you might wanna check my profile in a week or two. This, of course, will mean that this will be put on hold for a small amount of time. I'm sorry, but I feel that this is a good idea. Until next time...**

**Fun fact: the dream sequence was inspired by a small comment chain in The Living Tombstone's Luna remix. It basicly talks says something about tombstone and Luna duking it out.**


	5. Chapter 5: The All-Seeing Eyes

**Note: the events of this chapter take place one week after chapter 4. **

**Also, I think its obvious by now, but I'm officially pulling the alternate universe tag up. In this, Hearth's Warming Eve is instead Winter Moon Celebration. I'm too damn lazy to change or research it to see if it's the same thing, so for all intended purposed, Winter Moon = opposite of Summer Sun. **

**Rereading this, I sound insane. Not that far from the real me, really.**

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Police Station_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

Kobold was in the debriefing room of the station. In front of him stood twenty police officers in steriotipical 80's police officer wear. Straped to their backs were large broadsword made out of steel. Kobold himself was wearing a dark blue trenchcoat and a fedora of the same color. To his side stood a projector, currently displaying a white wall.

Kobold picked up a stick from a nearby table. In his hand was a small red button.

"Alright, here's the skinny." Kobold pressed the button, and a humanized version of Pinkie Pie popped up on screen.

"This is our target, full name: Pinkamena Diane Pie. She has committed over nine thousand acts of satanism and violated the laws of physics on multiple occasions. She has show the ability to shape-shift into a pony," Kobold pressed the button again and the normal Pinkie appeared on screen.

"Currently, she has hidden herself away in Sugarcube Corner." He pressed the button again and the gingerbread monstrosity of a house came on screen.

Kobold began to draw an invisible circle with the stick around the picture. "If we can surround her and close in, then she'll have no choice but to surrender. Now, who's with me?"

He got a very enthusiastic roar of approval from the officers.

"All right, now, let's MOOOOOOOOVE OUT!"

Kobold left the building and mounted his hover motorcycle that was made for someone half his size. He revved the engines and hunched over the handlebars, going at top speed toward the sunset.

_/\/\/\/\_

_Reality_

_/\/\/\/\_

With a start, Kobold woke up in his dark bedroom, realizing that what he just saw was just a dream.

"Alright, that's it. No more booze after nine."

Kobold checked his bedside analog clock. "Three A.M.. Dammit." Kobold was feeling very well rested, so he decided to go out to the forest and practice blinking.

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_Everfree Forest_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

He started at the entrance of the forest. The snow had given the entire place a 'Christmas forest of horror' type of look, white covering most of the treetops. Luckily, the foliage was thick enough to keep up most of the snow, leaving a relatively clear path.

Kobold spotted a thick branch about 10 yards away. He blinked to it, grabbed on, and spun around on it a few times. Letting go, Kobold blinked to the ground. It made him feel...good to be blinking, but doing it too much wore him out. Just doing it twice made him want to take a breather.

So he did, and began to consider his financial position, which was...

10 bits to his name.

"Maybe shouldn't have spent all of it on whiskey and newspapers."

"I may be able to help."

"AAAHH." Kobold jumped. Princess Luna had just shown up when he was absorbed in thinking about his finances. "How did you know I was broke?"

"You just told me."

Silence. _Maybe I should stop talking to myself._

"Aight, I'm listening."

"My sister and I are coming to Ponyville in a few days for the Winter Moon Celebration.-"

"The what?"

"Winter Moon Celebration. Its the longest night of the year. It begins with me rising the moon, which proceeds to a large party."

Kobold gulped at those last words. "And you need me to...?"

"If I pull some strings and ask for a few favors, I might be able to procure you a bodyguard job. You would be standing near my sister and me for the entirety of the celebration, watching for any conflict or possible harm. Given your experience with...other problems, I do not believe it will be difficult."

"Okay, how much is the pay?"

"Well, I would need to check with my sister and come to an agreed upon amount, but generally, I've seen most applicants walk away with around five hundred bits."

Kobold's jaw dropped "F-five, HUNDRED! For a single night?!"

Luna looked confused "Yes, five hundred. If that's not good enough, I can jus-"

"Nonononono, it's just...that's a lot."

"Well, it will get you out of your financial problems, correct?"

"Hell yes, it will." A thought crossed Kobold's mind. "But why come to me?"

"I have two good reason. One, I am fairly certain that anything attempting an attack won't stand a chance against you. Two, what else are friends for?"

Kobold was taken by surprise by this statement. "Wait, what? We're friends? We've exchanged words a total of two times before today, and the second time was less than twenty words."

"And?"

"You royal, me commoner."

"And?"

Kobold took a moment to think. "And...I got nothing. But my reasons are still valid."

"Kobold, exchanging words with royalty is still a rare occurrence, more so with myself because my sister has always been much more social. This, added with the fact that you have saved not only Ponyville, but also Appleoosa AND the fact that you seem to enjoy the night so very much makes you a friend to me. That, and the only ponies other than the nobles that I have spoken with are the Element and very few other choice ponies. And the nobles... I'd rather not talk about that. Are you trying to say you would not like to have royalty as a friend?"

"Nonono, it was just unexpected is all."

"Alright, then, I believe that is all I came here to talk about. I will see you at the celebration."

"Aight." Luna teleported away, presumably back to her post. "Friends with royalty. I have but one thing to say...

Best,

Perks,

Ever!

Also, friendship seems to come rather easily around here."

Kobold blinked back to his house after about ten minutes of practicing blinking. "Damn, that stuff really takes it out of me." He walked inside and went to bed

_/\/\/\/\/_

_Morning_

_/\/\/\/\/_

As Kobold awoke, streams of sunlight beamed through the window. He checked the time "Eight. Better get my ass up."

He got up and walked into his, as he now dubbed it, office. Sitting down in his office chair, he brought out his bestiary and began reading, putting his feet up on his metal desk.

After about ten minutes of reading, someone knocked on the door. "S'open." The door opened and Rarity came through the door. "Ah, Rarity, what brings you here?"

"Are you aware of the upcoming celebration?"

"Yes, yes I am." _Oh shit, I see were this is going._

"Well, seeing as all you seem to wear are those filthy, drab rags everyday-"

_Filthy? DRAB?_

"And seeing as you have no formal attire, I simply must makes something for you for the Winter Moon Celebration."

"While I appreciate the offer, Rarity, I would rather swallow a live grenade whilst taking a napalm enema."

"Too bad, your coming with me."

"Do I need to remind you about what happened the first tiiIIII-" Rarity had already grabbed Kobold by his feet with her telekinesis. She tugged him in the direction of the boutique.

"SOMEONE, ANYONE, HELP MEEEEEEE."

Kobold began to claw at the ground when they left his office. Then he stuck his head into the snow, hoping that it would knock him out. Giving up, Kobold looked to the sky to see Rainbow Dash flying about.

"Dash, please, help me, she's tryin' to make me something _formal_." He said the last work with disgust.

"Sorry, bud. As much as I don't go for fancy clothes, you're on your own."

Kobold face shaped into one of surprise, shock, questioning, and a little bit of anger.

Rarity continued to drag Kobold towards the boutique. He had begun to resist more, so it appeared as if she was dragging him along with some form of invisible rope, clearly straining.

"Stop. Resisting. I am going to make you a suit and you are going to like it. Rarity Directive 274."

"You're forgetting Kobold Directive 596 which clearly states 'no way in hell, you white, magic bitch'."

"Oh, shut up."

After about ten minutes of complaining and dragging, they reached the boutique. Rarity brought Kobold inside...

And strapped him down to the nearest couch.

Kobold struggled all he could, but in the end, her magic was too strong for him. After about half an hour of resistance, he gave up. "Okay, okay, I give up. But now that I think of it, you shouldn't have anything in human size. Or shape."

"Not a problem, dearie. I can get your measurements and make something posthaste."

_Please, anyone, anyTHING, kill me now. _

Rarity took his measurements and left the room, coming back with about ten racks of pony wear. "Choose a design you like, and I can make a one fit for a human king."

Kobold, realizing that there was absolutely no way out of this, sighed and scanned through the racks.

"No."

"Nah."

"Nope."

"Nada."

"Oh heeeeeeeell no."

"Just kill me please."

"Doesn't need to be quick."

"I'll take a cup of gasoline and a match."

"Can of hairspray?"

When they got to the last rack, Rarity had begun to think that Kobold was just messing with her to get out of this. Then Kobold spotted something...quite interesting amongst the racks.

A black tuxedo with a blood red tie and black dress pants.

"Wait a second, Rare, I see something I like."

"Oh, finally, what is it?"

He pointed at the tux.

"Very well, I should have it done by tomorrow. Until then, continue with your normal day."

Kobold practically ran outside, and looked to the sky, a look of pure freedom on his face. _FINALLY, I'M FREE OF THAT NIGHTMARE! And I got free shit out of it.  
><em>

Kobold walked back to his office and resumed the day as it was.

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_The Next Day_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

Rarity knocked on the door, newly made and freshly laundered tuxedo along with a full sized body mirror large enough for Kobold. Kobold opened the door.

"Ah, Rarity, I see my suit is done."

"Yes it is, Kobold, now if you'll just let me-"

"WOWOWOWOWOW. What the hell are you doing?"

"Changing you into the suit, dear. Why?"

"Okay, human society 101, a woman does not take the pants off a man unless she means business."

"What ever could you...Oh..." Rarity's cheeks became a deep shade of crimson red.

"Just give me the damn suit." He grabbed the suit, walking into his bedroom, and changed into the tux. He walked into his office and looked into the mirror.

The best words he could use to describe himself is 'dashing rouge'. For the first time he could remember, he felt GOOD in formal wear.

"Yes, yes, excellent stitch work. Perfect fit. How much will this cost."

"Nothing, Kobold, consider it a gift."

"Free suit? Holy damn, thanks!"

"Not a problem" Rarity left, leaving Kobold alone with his tux.

"Well, I don't normally-ah, fuck it, I NEVER go for formal, but something about this suit..."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_2 Days Later_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

It was the day of the Winter Moon Celebration. Kobold had gotten confirmation on the bodyguard job, and was currently waiting for the princesses to arrive, wearing his suit and of course his bag.

He checked the time "5:59, they should be here riiiiiiight abooouuuutt...now." The royal gold-and-velour chariot came into view, drawn by the royal pegasus guards. It stopped next to Kobold. He breidly bowed and looked back to the princesses. "Pardon, but if I may ask, is that REAL velour?"

Celestia responded "Why yes, it is real velour. Why do you ask?"

"No reason, just asking."

"Very well, then."

Kobold escorted the royal twosome into town, were the preparations were nearly complete. Colorful lights dangled from every household, along with a variety of streamers. _Probobly the work of Pinkie. _

Kobold brought the princesses to the middle of the town, were a large, wooden, elevated platform with a podium awaited. They trotted (Kobold walked, of course) onto the platform and waited for the ponies to gather. Kobold pulled out a red folding chair. Unfolding it, he found a nice place to put it down and sat in it._  
><em>

"Welcome," Celestia announced "fillies and gentlecolts. And Kobold."

"Yo."

As Celestia continued to talk, Kobold tuned her out. He didn't view it as important, so he scanned the area for any threats. At every small movement, he flicked his head toward it.

About ninty percent of the time, it was just a pony shuffling or adjusting themselves. The other ten was someone yawning. But hey, if your going to do a bodyguard job, might as well do it right.

Kobold felt a gust of wind on his back. He turned his head around to see something on the ground. It appeared spherical, but Kobold couldn't make out the details.

He got up and walked over to the object. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be an...eye of some sort. A big, bloodshot, blue eye with bloody tendrils out the back, just a little bit bigger than his palm. Kobold couldn't make heads or tails on what this was, but there was one thing he did know for sure.

The eye looked very, VERY suspicious.

Kobold raised the eye to the sky to see if he could gleen some more information on it. In the background, Celestia was wrapping up her speech. "And now, my sister, Princess Luna, shall raise the moon and commence the festivities." And just like that, the sun was lowered and the moon was raised.

And Kobold immediately regretted his decision to pick up the eye.

It began to vibrate wildly, to the point were Kobold had to let go of the eye. But gravity didn't effect it. It just floated in the air, then it began to move, turning itself toward the Everfree Forest and darted off into the forest. "What in hell's n-argh." Kobold grunted as the information of the creature entered his mind. But instead of knowing what it does, like with SCP-096, merely a name popped into his head

But that was all he needed to know.

A deep, booming voice echoed from the forest, announcing the coming of the creature

**_"The Eye Of Cthulu has awoken."_**

This caused panic amongst the crowd to say the least. Kobold pulled out the black tablet and said "Terraria Official Sound Track: Boss1. Play 'till this fucker's dead" A loud, frenetic tune began to play.

Kobold reached for his pistols, but was knocked to the side, separating him from his bag. He got up and tried to get his bag back...

But about five eyes that looked exactly like suspicious looking eye, except they were half as large, had already procured his bag and were carting it off.

He tried to blink towards them, but got hit again by one of them.

By the time he recovered, the eyes had already left, his bag in tow.

_Okay, okay. I have to deal with an army of flying eyes using nothing but my fists and...a folding chair._

Kobold looked back at the crowd to see that the eyes had begun to swarm over the crowd, occasionally diving to hit a denizen. Kobold ran up onto the platform, grabbed his folding chair, folded it back up, and faced the princesses. "Get everyone to safety. I'll distract them and buy you time."

"Your going to hold them off? With a folding chair?" Celestia questioned.

Turning around and holding the chair at the legs, Kobold saw three eyes approaching. He killed the first with a downward swing, batted the second to the side, and kicked the third to pieces.

"Yes, yes I am."

Luna added to the conversation. "We are not letting you fight alone." Both Luna and Celestia began firing magic lazers from their horns into the cloud of eyes. Luna's lazers were able to decimate the army. Celestia's...

Couldn't do jack shit. They bounced harmlessly off the eyes, just like they did with the Glutton.

Kobold had already formulated a plan. "Celestia, get the citizens to the library. Luna and I'll hold 'em off."

"But-"

"GO GO GO."

"This way, my little ponies." Celestia reluctantly agreed. "I'll get you to safety."

Kobold faced the swirling army of eyes in front of him. It was just him, a folding chair, a night goddess, and the space in between.

A small group of about ten eyes departed from the swarm. Luna fired off more lazers, killing most of them, but a few made it past. Kobold batted these aside with the folding chair. Swift movement from left to right quickly dispatched the advancers. When this group was dead, Kobold noticed something.

The eyes dropped bits.

For every eye they killed, one bit came out of the corpse. The physics of this boggled Kobold's mind. But he counted his blessing and decided to pick them up later.

Luna and Kobold began to advance toward the swirling army. The eyes continuously batted them from both sides. Kobold smashed them aside with his chair while Luna blasted them away with her lazers.

When they were directly underneath the army, the constant attacks became much more aggressive. The eyes came in groups of five for each attack. Kobold continued to bat them aside, and Luna continued blasting them away.

After about five minutes of fighting, the army dissipated into no more than six eyes. The remaining enemies fled into the Everfree Forest.

"Huzzah!" Luna yelled

"Victory!"

But there was one thing that Kobold found questioning.

The music was still playing.

If he had set it right, the music should've stop playing when the battle was over. Unless...

Kobold heard loud rustling coming from the forest. He squinted to see if he could spot the enormous fucking eye at least five times larger than him heading straight toward them.

It phased through the trees like some form of spectre, followed by the remaining smaller eyes. Aside from the enormous size, it was exactly the same as the smaller ones.

"THAT. Does NOT look good."

"Woowaaah." The giant eye, presumably the Eye of Cthulu, roared from an unidentified source. It charged toward Kobold and Luna. "Oh no, you don't." Kobold blinked towards the top of the Eye...

Only to be smacked off two seconds later by the smaller eyes.

"Ow." Kobold blinked over to Luna. "Aight, new plan. Cover me while I'm on top of it. Shoot down the small eyes before they hit me. Okay?"

"Okay."

Kobold blinked back on top of the Eye. This time, Luna shot down the smaller eyes before they could knock Kobold off. He sat down in a mounting-form of position and did the single most ridiculous thing he could have done in the situation.

He wailed on the Eye with his chair like a madman.

"I am wailing on the Eye of Cthulu with a folding chair. All arguments are invalid."

The Eye attempted to shake Kobold off by charging at a building.

"aaaaaaaaAAAAAAHHH."

Kobold smashed face first onto the building while the Eye phased through it.

"Oooooooowwwwwwwwww." Kobold groaned as he slid down the wall of the building.

"Okay, wailing on it with the folding chair doesn't seem to be overly effective. I wonder..." Kobold pulled the folding chair apart into two separate pieces, jagged enough to be weilded as weapons.

"That's MUCH more intelligent."

The Eye phased through the building and charged Kobold. He blinked on top of it again and diced it with his dual chair cleavers. The Eye flew around in circles to shake Kobold off again.

It was unsuccessful to say the least.

Kobold continued to slice into the Eye's eyeball flesh. After about a minute of this continuous process, the Eye stopped all movement. This sudden stop flung Kobold off the Eye and onto the ground. "Ow." Kobold remarked.

The Eye of Cthulu began to rotate, top to bottom, at an increasing pace. After a total of three seconds of spinning, the iris of the Eye exploded, revealing a mouth lined with razor sharp teeth.

"Wooowaaaaah." It roared again.

"Oh, fuck all kinds of duck."

The Eye looked towards Kobold and dashed toward him. He blinked out of the way, but it turned and dashed again with impossible speed. Kobold blinked again, and it turned again. He blinked again, but this time, it just floated around, poised to strike at any time.

In the distance, Luna was firing off more lazers at the Eye. It took its attention off of Kobold and charged toward Luna.

"Oh no, you don't, ya big, Illuminatic bastard."

Kobold blinked directly next to Luna, and tackled her out of the Eye's path. It phased through the ground, but got back up and hovered near the two. Kobold got himself up off the ground and faced the bloodshot bastard.

"You have just brought all KINDS of hurt and pain upon yourself."

Kobold grabbed his cleavers and spun the around in a badass manner. He stopped, one cleaver pointed up and one pointed down.

"It's time to kick ass or chew bubble gum. And I'm all outta gum."

Kobold jumped toward the Eye as it charged, getting on top of it yet again. With renewed strength, he slashed away at the Eye with powerful strikes. The Eye thrashed uselessly against the cleavers. Kobold continued to slash away at the Eye until it landed. He jumped off and readied his cleavers above the Eye.

"Welcome, to the DOMINATANING."

Kobold brought down the cleavers, cause the Eye to miraculously explode in a rain of various eye gore. He let out a sigh of relief, seeing that the creature was finally dead.

Looking through the wreakage, Kobold found two things. His bag and a paper. _Hmm, eyes must've brought the bag to it. _He picked up his bag and grabbed the paper. On it was written 'HELP ME' with the 'ME' lightly underlined. Kobold turned the paper over to find one simple word.

Tentacles.

The paper went through its normal disintegration shtick, Kobold feeling the surge of energy. "Hmm, nothing seemed to be broken this time, just some bruises from falling. And the eyes. And the building."

"Kobold," said Luna, "you saved my life."

"What else are friends for?" He retorted.

"True. I noticed you picked up something from the corpse of...what was it?"

"The Eye of Cthulu."

"Yes, that. What did you pick up?"

"The last two creatures I've killed dropped a similar paper. It had some writing on it. That's how I'm able to blink. The papers give me powers. The last thing I killed dropped 'blink'. This one appears to have given me tentacles. How I'm able to use it is anyone's guess. Tends to happen soon afterwords, though."

"Interesting... So, what now?"

"We should probably clean up the mess. And gather the bits. No one needs to know about these. I get double pay."

"Okay."

_She agreed to that waaaaaay to easily._

**Feels good to get another chapter down. I've been planning that scene with Rarity and Kobold for a week now. And, if anyone with brains was paying attention, it becomes obvious that this fanfic isn't going to be strictly creepypasta/SCP enemies. I'm bringing in some game bosses as well. **

**This isn't to say that I won't be using creepypasta/SCP enemies. In fact, I've got an idea for an upcoming chap-WOAH, almost gave it away.**

**Also, as a side thing to promote rereading, I have inserted two random references from now canceled shows that I'm fairly certain no one got. Your job is to find these references, give the name of the shows, and the people who said it. The reward?**

**A seventy inch, plasma wide screen TV**

**With Netflix.**

**No 3D. That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it.**

**P.S. That's not the reference. However if no one gets the references, either this one or the inserted ones, I need to get a life.**

**And a girl.**

**And friends.**

**Fun fact: this may come as a surprise to most, given my random nature and humorous writing style, (I dont think I'm that funny.) But Pinkie is my least favorite character. Too damn happy, too damn socialable, too damn naive, that's why.**


	6. Chapter 6: Ready4Freddy

**Note: the events in this chapter occur three days before when ever the fuck Equestrian X-mas occurs.**

**I am so sorry. **

**You'll understand soon enough.**

Kobold was in his office, shuffling through his bag.

Needless to say, he was getting bored.

He came across a statuette on a circular base with two red buttons on it, one labeled H and the other labeled J. The statuette resembled the 'Christ the Redeemer' statue in Brazil, but Kobold never made that connection. Held up by two pieces of string on either hand was a white piece of rolled up paper. He pressed the button labeled H. A masculine voice emanated from the statuette.

"Jesus wants a huuuug."

Kobold chuckled at this. "Hmm, wonder what J does." He pressed the other button.

"I don't know what's funnier, the Catholic church stronghonding you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I've done to the statue of Big J."

The white paper unrolled to reveal it to be a multicolored sign with the words...

'420yoloswag4jesus.'

All whilst a man with a thick Irish accent was screaming.

After about three seconds, the paper rerolled itself.. Kobold was rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.

He recovered two minutes later and put the statuette on his desk. "Ooohh, dear Slender, that was too good. Hehehehe."

Kobold heard a knock at the door. Still chuckling, he said "S'open." The door opened and Twilight strolled in. "Ah, Twilight, hehe, what can I do ya for?"

"Why are you laughing?"

Kobold pressed the J button again.

When it was over, Twilight was alsorolling on the floor, laughing, while Kobold simply gripped his desk for support. "AHAHAHAHA, THAT'S GOOD."

"I know, I know, now what brought ya here?"

Twilight took a moment to recover. "Oh yeah, hehe, you, me, and, hehe, the girls have been, hehe, invited to Canterlot for an X-mas party."

**Interjection: I don't know what you'd call Equestrian X-mas, so its staying X-mas. **

Kobold's heart began to pound. "Um, Twilight, do I need to remind you-"

"Yes, yes, the princesses already know of your...condition. Accommodations have been made. It just you, me, them, and the girls."

"Phew. Close one."

"But..."

"But?"

"We've kinda, sorta all agreed on a Secret Santa type of thing. You know what that is, right?"

"Uuuummm..." Kobold sorted through his memory to see if 'Secret Santa' was in there. Fortunately it was. Correction. Unfortunately, it was.

He sighed. "Aight, who'd I get?"

"Pinkie."

_Oh, for dear fucks sake._

Kobold sighed. "Okay, okay, lemme think of something."

"Well, I gotta go. Very important things to do."

"I.E., sorting books?"

"Damn you"

Twilight left, leaving Kobold to his thoughts. "Okay, Pinkie, I don't like you, but I'm getting you a goddamn good present. And it will double as her apology gift. Two birds with one stone. Now, what to get, what to get...IDEA. Instead of buying something, why don't I make something? It'll give me something to do, too. Although, I'd need to keep her out of here for three days, and eliminate all suspicion. But the question remains, what to make...SECONDARY IDEA. She like parties, so why not something to add to it.

An animitronic bear!

That sings!

Oh, one problem, I'd need parts to make that. And as large as my bag is, there are no robotic parts in here. So, first on the agenda, write down a list of parts I need. Second, find a place were I can purchase these parts. Third, construct. Fourth, get the songs into this things head. Fifth, give the machine sentience so it can move along with the song.

Damn, I'm good."

Kobold pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, and begun to write down what he needed.

Crossbeams, wires, voice box, metal poles, and various other metal odds and ends.

"Now, to find a guy. And a book on sentience. I may be a smart ass, but machine sentience isn't something in my repertoire. Twilight might have something."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Golden Oaks Library_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

Knocking at the door, Kobold waited for an answer.

"For Celestia's sake, THIS IS A PUBLIC LIBRARY."

He opened the door. Twilight was in the middle of the room, sorting through a few books. "Sorry, sorry, I just need to ask you for a couple things."

"What is it?"

"One, is there a mechanic or hardware store anywhere in town? And two, do you have a book on giving inanimate objects sentience."

"for the first one, yes, down the street, to the left, take a right, keep going, and take another left. As to the second question, there might be something in here."

Kobold went to the nearest shelf and started searching. He found various books, ranging from informative to catalogs to entertainment. He flipped into the 'E' section and discovered a book that seemed out of place in the library.

_Epona Sutra. The fuck? _Kobold opened the book...

"AAAHH."

And immediately shut it, dropping it on the floor and closing his eyes, keeping them shut.

Twilight heard this and said "Something wrong, Kobold?"

"Twilight, I have another question." Kobold said, his eyes still shut.

"What?"

"This is a public library, right?"

"Riiiiiiiiight..."

"Are you positive it isn't a pubic library?"

"What?" Twilight was offended.

"Here." Kobold kicked the book in Twilight's general direction. He heard the hum of her magic...

And the near immediate shutting and slamming of the book.

"AAHH"

"Yeah, that was my same reaction."

"Why would that be in here?"

"I have no idea, why should I?"

"I don't know."

"Well, who supplies these books."

"Princess Celest..."

"Ooohhhhh Sleeennnddeeeerr. She never struck me as the horny type, being royalty and all."

"I never thought the rumors were true..."

"Rumors?"

Twilight sighed. Kobold's eyes were still shut. "For awhile. There were rumors. About Celestia. And what she does in her spare time."

"Okay, now I need to home and bleach my eyeballs."

Kobold heard footsteps in the general area of the second floor stairs. "What are you two complaining about?"

It was Spike.

"Nothing!" They both yelled at once.

"Now, I'd best be off."

**Nope, that wasn't it. Still sorry for it.**

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

_ Down the street, to the left, take a right, keep going, and take another left._

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

The directions were spot on.

He stood outside of a mechanics shop, aptly named 'Bits and Bobs'. Through the store windows, Kobold could make out a large variety of mechanical parts. _If this guy doesn't have what I need, I swear some heads are gunna be ripped off._

Entering the store, a small bell ringed. "Coming, coming." Said a British accented voice from within the shop. Or was it English?

A brown male Earth Pony emerged from behind the piles of metal parts. His hair was a shade of dark brown, and he was wearing a rather tasteful blue suit with a bow tie and white undershirt. His Cutie Mark was an hourglass.

"Hello, welcome to Bits and Bobs." He said, "Name's John Smith. Most call me the Doctor."

"Doctor? Doctor of what?"

"Ju-wait, did you say 'of what'?"

"Yes. What are you a Doctor of?"

"Strange, most ponies say 'Doctor Who' instead."

"That was going to be my secondary question."

"Alrighty, then, what brought you here?"

"I need some parts." Kobold handed the Doctor his list. "Do ya got anything on that list, and if so, how much will it cost?"

"Yes, yes, I do happen to have all the things on this list. Although, it won't be cheap."

"How much?"

"Round about...two hundred seventy nine bits."

Kobold pulled out his money pouch, still heavy from the night the Eye of Cthulhu attacked.

"Will this do?"

"Yes, it will do very nicely. Just give me one moment to gather the parts." The Doctor retreated into the piles of parts. Five minutes later, he came back with a wooden crate overflowing with parts. Kobold handed him the necessary amount of money. "Come again." He said whilst Kobold was struggling with the crate.

"Hhuuuuuuuuuuuh."

The crate weighed a thousand pounds.

Nine hundred fifty three point six, to be exact.

Kobold held the crate above his head, and was clearly straining. The weight of the crate caused him to scrunch down to half his height.

He waddled out of the shop and to his office.

When he got there, he dropped the crate...

And proceeded to plop his ass on the couch to rest.

He sat there for ten minutes before he heard something.

A boom and then something burning.

And then a small tremor in the general direction of Fluttershy's house.

"Well, shit." Kobold pulled out his dual pistols and kicked open his door, looking in the direction of Fluttershy's house. Fortunately, it was still standing.

Unfortunately, there was something smouldering behind it.

Kobold approached the smoldering object to find...a floppy disk.

In working condition too. He picked it up and examined it. Written in black dry erase marker on the front was the word, or rather name, 'Holly'.

Behind him he heard hoofsteps. "What in tarnation was that?"

It was Applejack.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure. I need to analyze this at the office."

"That's the thing that caused all this racket?"

"Yes, now if you will excuse me, office time."

"I'm coming with."

"No, you are not. I need full concentration and one person in the room will divert that. Now go back to your normal everyday duties."

"Faaaiiine."

Kobold hurried back to his office, and pulled out a rectangular box with a slot large enough to fit the disk. Dangling from the back of the box was a cord. Kobold plugged the cord into his television and inserted the disk into the box.

"First time this thing's getting used." He observed, pressing the on button for both the floppy disk drive and the television.

A high pitched 'wooooaaaaan' came from the television, and a balding male head with just a line of hair running around his scalp appeared on screen.

"Oi, what's happenin' dudes?" The head spoke in an English accent. "Wait a second, your not Lister. Or Rimmer. Or the Cat. Wot's going on, then"

"Would you believe me if i said you've fallen out of an inter-reality portal into a reality were ponies are the dominate species, and magic exists?"

"That's about as believable as an online conspiracy theorist."

"Yeah, didn't think you'd believe me. I'll be back in a moment." Kobold strolled out of his office...

To see just about the entire town staring at him.

_A floppy disk attracts this much attention, but a strange, unknown creature doesn't. Damn, this filter's good._

"Okay, I need a volunteer, preferably a unicorn. Any takers?"

The only one to volunteer was Twilight.

"Close enough. Come inside." The two entered the office. The head observed Twilight

"Alright, I believe that there are horses in this reality, but not that they're the dominate species or that magic exists."

"There is a mob waiting outside to see what you are. All ponies."

"I'm not a horse, I'm a pony. Big difference."

"Still don't believe in the magic."

"Twilight? Do some magic for us?"

"Okay." Twilight levitated the couch and the floppy disk drive, surrounding it with her purple aura.

"Easily explained. Strings. Mono-filament line."

Kobold sighed as he took out his sword, released it, and slashed the air above the couch and disk drive.

Of course, nothing happened.

"By God, your telling the truth!"

"Okay, now that we got that out of the way, answer me this. What are you, were are you from and what's the last thing you can remember?"

"I am a tenth generation A.I. computer with an I.Q. of six thousand."

"I thought the maximum I.Q. possible was three hundred."

"Not for computers."

"Aight, continue."

"I was programed into the mainframe of the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf. I remained this way until a radiation leaked killed the entire crew, save one person."

"Who was it?"

"Dave Lister. He was put into stasis for eighteen months because he snuck an quarantined animal on board. A cat, to be specific, that was stored safely in the ships hold, and bred and evolved over time. During stasis, the radiation leak occurred, and I had to keep him in stasis until the radiation hit a safe background level."

"Which was?"

"Three million years."

"I'll be dammed."

"He's the only one alive. Him, and a human-like species that evolved from his cat."

"Wait wait wait, when I first booted you up, you mentioned Lister, the Cat, and another, Rimmer. Who's Rimmer?"

"A hologram of Lister's dead bunk mate."

"I see. That's why you never mentioned him." Kobold looked toward Twilight. "You've been awful quiet over there. You okay?"

"Yes, yes, it's just...so many dead."

"Would you like to step out?"

"Yes, that sounds like a good idea." She left, leaving Kobold alone with the head.

"So, I assume by the label on the floppy that your name's Holly. Am I right in assuming that?"

"Yeah, you are."

"So, Holly, where were we?"

"We were in the middle of discussing were I'm from."

"Ah, yes. You just got done telling me about Rimmer. Let's move on. What's the last thing you remember?"

"Last thing I remember was using the Holly Hop Drive to get back to our normal dimension."

"Elaborate."

"The Holly Hop Drive is a device I invented to try and get to other, parallel dimensions. I perfected it, got it to work, and we ended up in a female orientated dimension were everyone's gender was swapped. It took some time to get it workin' again, but we got back. After that, just blackness, and then I got booted up on your television set."

"Hmm, interesting. It's possible that in attempting to get back to your dimension, you accidentally ripped a hole in the fabric of reality, to which you were ejected from the ship and sent here."

"Sounds about right, then."

"As far as I know, there is currently no way to send you back. In the mean time, how about you stay here as my assistant. You'll generally stay there, but when I need you, I'll call you up. Sound good?"

"No better offer, really. Not much of a choice."

"Well, there, settled. First assignment, Holly, is to help me find a way to give an animatronic enough sentience to understand what it is singing and act accordingly. Got anything in your files?"

"Yes, actually. I'm bringin' it on screen now." A large jumble of equations replaced Holly's face on screen.

"Okay, save that. Now, I gotta get working on putting this thing together."

And thus, Kobold began to build the animitronic.

And build

And build

And build

And build until he was exhausted. Having done the majority of the work by now, coupled with the fact that it was eleven at night, Kobold decided to go to sleep. "You can offline, Holly, I'm going to sleep."

"Night, then."

_/\/\/\/\/_

_Morning_

_/\/\/\/\/_

Kobold awoke, and got ready to create. He strolled into his office to find the animatronic endoskeleton were he left it, siting in the middle of the room.

"Holly, 's morning."

'wooooaaaaan'

"Morning...now that I think about it, you never told me your name. Wot is it, then."

"Hosamen. Kobold Hosamen."

"OK, then. Morning, Kobold."

"Well, I'd better be getting to work."

"About that. I had a thought. If you give this thing sentience, you'll need to implement the Laws of Robotics. To keep it from hurting anyone."

"Smart idea, Holly. Note that and remind me later."

Within the next two hours, the endoskeleton was complete, along with the suit, which Kobold assembled from various parts from inside his bag.

It stood erect in the middle of the office, wearing a top hat and bow tie, and holding a microphone. At the bottom of the head was an outlet, resembling a bear and leading into the animatronic's 'brain'.

Kobold pulled out a computer and plugged it into the outlet with an attached cord. A consuls appeared on screen, and began coding, all whilst humming 'It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas'.

When he was done, Kobold closed the laptop and put it away, along with its cord. "Now all that's left is to package it." He pulled out an enormous box out of his bag, just large enough to fit the bear. He pulled out some pink wrapping paper and began to wrap the box.

When he was done, he placed the box in his bag, and continued on with his normal daily schedule for the next day

Basically, just reading and drinking.

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_The Next Day_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

Kobold was going about his normal schedule when he heard a knock on the door. "S'open." Twilight entered the room. "Hey, Twilight. Whatcha need?"

"For you to come with me. The train is about to leave."

"What? I thought the thing wasn't until tomorrow."

"We're leaving today and staying there overnight. Another gift, I presume."

"Aight, I have no quarrels."

"Well, what are you waiting for? The train leaves in ten minutes."

"Well, then, we'd better get going."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Later that Day_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

"By the Tie..." The place was amazing. The architecture reminded him of the Renaissance age mixed with various parts of modern technology, such as street lamps.

"Okay, please note that I have never been here before when I say this. Were's the castle?"

The Elements rolled their eyes. "Right over there." They said simultaneously.

They pointed toward one of the most colorful rendition of a medieval castle.

"How did I miss that?"

"Blindness." They said again.

"Well, no use standing around here. Let's get our asses moving."

The group came upon the massive double doors, and a green unicorn with a darker green mane trotted up to the group.

"I'm sorry, sir. I must confiscate the dangerous contents of your bag. Security reasons."

"See, that's not as simple as you may think-"

"Empty your bag, sir."

"Because the size of the bag is-"

"EMPTY YOUR DAMN BAG!"

"Fine, have it your way." Kobold opened up his bag and poured out its contents.

For about five minutes until the green unicorn just said "You know what, forget it. Just go."

_This is why I hate airports._

The group entered the castle to find it decked with a large variety of X-mas decorations. Lines of colorful lights wrapped around bushes of wreaths lined the ceiling. In the center of the main foyer was an enormous evergreen tree, also wrapped in lights.

And surprisingly close to that was an inflatable brown earth pony in a red coat and hat, and a large, bushy, white beard. What would one call it? Santa Clops? That just sounds wrong for some reason.

"Welcome, my little ponies," Celestia had walked in while Kobold was admiring the decorations. She looked toward him, narrowing her eyes. "And Kobold." she added with distaste.

"Yes, yes, yes. Welcome." Luna had come out from behind Celestia. "Why don't you show everypony to their rooms, and I'll show Kobold to his room."

"Fine." Said Celestia, eyes still narrowed at Kobold. Luna approached him. "What's her deal?" Kobold asked.

"I'll explain on the way."

The two group departed, Celestia going to the right hall, and Luna and Kobold taking the left. After a minute of walking, Kobold broke the silence.

"So, you were saying?"

"My sister does not like you."

"Yeah, I could've picked that up. But what did I do?"

"Well, for starters, you ordered her around during the attack."

"And?"

"And every time she's near you, her magic is ineffective, and she feels weaker, along with your presence bringing along monsters from other realities."

"Okay, that explains a lot."

"The only reason you got invited to this is because of me. I convinced her to invite you, and make the accommodations. In fact, she wanted to invite the whole of Canterlot in just to torture you."

"That little bitch!"

"I know, she really doesn't like you."

"But, wait, why vouch for me, of all peop-you know what, never mind. It's because we're 'good friends', right."

"Correct."

"But still, how were you able to convince her?"

"A compromise. The castle is split into two 'wings', the Sun Wing and the Moon Wing. I do not believe that you need to be told which is for whom."

"Nope."

"Anyway, our compromise was that the Elements are given rooms in the Sun Wing, whilst you are given a room in the Moon Wing. Also, you need to stay out of the Sun Wing."

"Sound reasonable." Kobold mischievously smiled on the inside.

"We're here." Said Luna five minutes later.

The room was actually quite nice. Despite there being windows, and it being the middle of the day, the room was rather dark, the dark blue curtains blocking out most of the light. In the back of the room was a bed, also colored dark blue.

And there was a television set in front of it for some reason.

And there was also a balcony that overlooked Canterlot.

"Very nice, very nice, but you didn't need need to do all this for me."

"It was either this or let my sister take care of it."

"Thank. You."

"Don't mention it."

Luna left Kobold alone in his room.

And he immediately checked the entirety of said room, looking for anything suspicious. "If that little bitch hated me enough to do THAT, I think she might've planted SOMETHING in here."

After about ten minutes of looking, Kobold found nothing, and settled down on his bed.

He heard a soft 'clin' as light began to emanate from the television. Kobold looked at where he was sitting to find the remote to said television. A movie was playing on screen. It appeared to be a low budget movie, taking place with an obviously fake ocean background and a poorly put together ship foreground. A male and female earth pony emerged from the set. The male said something about not being able to kill a kraken, and the female said she could give him the confidence. She bent over and...and...

"AAAAAAHHHHHH, MY EYYYYES."

Kobold grabbed the television, kicked open the doors to the balcony, and threw the television away as hard as he could.

"Well, now I know what that little bitch was up to." Kobold went to go grab the remote when he noticed something hidden under the bed. He got on all fours and grabbed it. It was the DVD case for the movie, labeled 'Buckaneers' and displaying the male and female 'fighting' a kraken.

"This disturbs me."

Kobold heard a knock on the door. "Sir, we heard screaming coming from this room. Is everything fine?"

"Yes yes, the...problem has been resolved."

"Alright, continue with your day."

"Bullet. Dodged."

**Still not it.**

Night soon came, and Kobold couldn't fall asleep. Every time he closed his eyes, the scene from the movie just kept replaying. "Celestia, go half-die in a hole, burn the rest of the way, and then have someone desecrate your corpse."

Kobold stared at the ceiling, trying to think of a plan to get Celestia back.

"Light-bulb!"

Turning on his perception filter, Kobold left his room to find two royal guards posted on either side of his door. _Hmm, smarter than I gave her credit for. _Kobold turned the filter to a higher setting and snuck out, heading in the direction of the main foyer, and towards the Sun Wing.

After half an hour of searching through the twisted, maze-like corridors, Kobold found the golden double doors with a sun emblem on it.

_Must be her room._

Even though his perception filter was set on its highest function, Kobold still opened the door slowly and treed lightly. He didn't know if alicorns could see through the filter. Twilight couldn't, but Celestia was older, wiser, and possibly more powerful than her. He didn't want to take chances.

Kobold got on ground and began to slowly crawl under Celestia's bed. When he got there, he saw a cardboard box hidden expertly away behind some innocent looking stuffed animals. Kobold moved these aside. The box had a label.

'Porn Stash.'

**Wait for it.**

Curiosity got the best of him. Kobold opened the box.

He really wished he hadn't.

Imagine a conglomeration of all the most fucked up shit created by man kind. Then, take pictures of all of them and shove them into a box. That gives you the watered down version of what was in that box.

**Wait for it.**

Kobold heard yawning from above. _Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. _He quickly put the 'material' back in the box and shoved it into place. After five seconds, he heard the familiar hum of magic as the box moved out from under the bed and up to Celestia.

_Oooooooohhhhhh nnnnooooooooooo._

He.

Heard.

Groaning.

And a squeal of delight.

**Okay, THIS is what I'm sorry for.**

After twenty minutes of pure hell, she finished and slid the box back under the bed and covered it with the stuffed animals. Kobold waited for her to start snoring before he executed his plan.

He pulled out a plate of cheese, which was set to expire...tomorrow. Kobold put it down, took the porn stash, and shoved it in his bag. Slowly creeping out from hell itself, he scooted along the wall back to his room.

When he got back, he collapsed in his bed. Porno movies AND a porn stash. This is one horny bitch.

However, sleep evaded Kobold even more, now that he had seen what Celestia kept under her bed. "Maybe I need some fresh air." Kobold got out of bed and walked out to the balcony. It gave a very nice view of Canterlot. The air was also crisp and cool. He blinked to the top of the roof to get a better view and a nice seat.

Deep inhale.

Exhale.

"Can't sleep?" Luna had snuck up on Kobold.

"Yeah. Your sister's the biggest bitch I've ever met!"

"Yes, I am fully aware." She sat down next to Kobold.

"She put a porno on the television and left the remote on the bed. It turned on."

"Well, that explains the screaming."

"Damn right, it does!"

Awkward silence.

"I got nothin'. You."

"Ditto."

The two just sat in silence for a few minutes, staring at the sky.

"Night looks pretty tonight."

"I do my best."

"Yes, this is a very lovely night. Almost...waitwaitwait, wohwohwoh." The world came to a stop, Luna in mid exhale and blink.

"NARRATOR!" Kobold called out into the night. A simple wooden door manifested three yards in front of him. It opened, and a teenager, about fifteen, with messy dark brown hair, brown eyes, a black sweatshirt-jacket, black sweatpants, and thick framed glasses poked his head out.

Aside from the obvious differences, he looked exactly like Kobold.

"What's the problem, Kobold?" The Narrator said, obviously annoyed.

"My 'problem' is that your beginning to make a romance scene. I thought you said you weren't doing any shipping! What gives?!"

"I'm not. This is just implemented as a way to break the fourth wall for comedic purposes."

A woman's head popped out of the door. She was a light shade of gray with amber colored glowing eyes and platinum blond hair.

"Dammit, Sophia, your not coming in until much, much latter. Now get back inside." The Narrator pushed Sophia back inside.

"Now, if that is all you wanted, I'm giving you the ability to fall asleep and fast-forwarding to the morning. I need to get this story moving and get back to watching Blackadder, dammit."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_The Next Day_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

Kobold awoke with a start. He just had a really weird dream. Something about a narrator and a disturbingly pale woman.

She didn't look that bad, actually.

**Don't judge.**

He got up, grabbed his bag, and headed to the foyer. Everyone else had already gathered there, and were exchanging there gifts.

Twilight gave Rarity a book on Roaman cloth design

Pinkie gave Rainbow Dash a cake, frosted blue with a rainbow motif. It looked like it was baked ten minutes ago. Still steaming.

Applejack had given Fluttershy a jar of rainbow colored preserves. Something about electric apples.

Rainbow Dash had given Twilight the newest book in a series. Darning Don't, or something like that.

Fluttershy gave Celestia a decorative, homemade sweater for her pet phoenix, Philomena.

And last but not least, Celestia gave Luna a...Santa themed pair of bra and panties of questionable size.

_The fuck is wrong with her?_

Kobold was approached by Luna. "I assume you got me?"

"Astute observation." She joked, and levitated a small package, wrapped dark blue. Kobold opened it to find a necklace, made of silver and platinum. On the necklace was a crescent moon charm-type thing, made out of a white metal, and studded with small pieces of onyx that gave it the appearance of craters.

Holding the charm, Kobold felt empowered.

"Luna," He whispered. "What did you do to this?"

"A test, so to speak." She said. "The charm is an old piece of mine. I've infused it with night magic and gave it to you to see what happens. How do you feel?"

"Like I could go ten rounds with a Tank."

"A what?"

"In three words? Big. Fucking. Zombie."

Luna looked a bit worried. "How do you-"

"I have no idea."

"Well, I believe you have a gift to give."

"Yes, I do." Kobold turned around...

To find Pinkie staring him straight in the face, barely an inch away from him.

"AH." Kobold jumped. "Pinkie, you GOT to stop doing that."

"I cant, its just too fun. Anyway, whatchagetmewhatchagetmewhatchagetmewhatchagetm-"

"Pinkie?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up and take my gift!"

Kobold handed Pinkie the wrapped box. She opened it and saw the animatronic. "OOOO a giant stuffed teddy bear! I always want one!"

"It's not a stuffed bear, Pinkie. It's an animatronic. A singing one."

"What?"

"Give me a minute." Kobold pulled out the animatronic and placed it on the ground upright. "Just gotta...turn it on." Hr pulled up a flap on the back of the head, revealing an electronic touchboard. A single icon was illuminated. 'On'. Kobold pressed it, and walked to the front of the animatronic and stared it in the eyes. They flickered for a moment, became still, and stared down at Kobold.

Then it threw out his arm, grabbed Kobold by the neck, and lifted him off the ground.

"Reah, ah, ah." Kobold choked out as the sentient machine strangled him.

And it was laughing. A deep, sadistic laugh

"He he he. He he."

Kobold's vision began to fade. He tried to scratch the the machine's arm, but the metal was too tough to break through.

_Strangled by a singing bear animatronic. Never saw that one coming._

As his vision was about the fade entirely to black, Kobold felt something slither on his back. No, not on, out, out of his back, like a snake emerging from his backside. The slithering object made it's way around his sides and to his chest.

Almost gone, Kobold faintly heard the sound of something breaking through metal. The animatronic's arm jittered for a moment, and then dropped Kobold onto the floor.

"Couh, couh, couh. HUUUAAH." Kobold coughed as his esophagus returned to its normal, non-crumpled state. He turned toward the other inhabitants of the room, all of them staring at him with shocked expressions. "Yeah, thanks a lot for getting that damn machine off of me. I'm fine, thank you very much."

"K-K-Kobold." Fluttershy squeaked.

"What?"

"L-l-look behind you."

"What, all there is is the animi-oh sweet fucking mother of all that is unholy."

Behind him, stemming from his back, was an array of undulating tentacles, black as the darkest night. Kobold counted ten, but there could have easily been more. He looked at them with an expression of curiosity and excitement.

"Mhmhmhmhm." Kobold chuckled under his breath. He moved the tentacles around in a swaying motion. Unconsciously, he was moving his arms in the same motion as the tentacles. He moved them to the right, his arms moved to the right. He picked up the remains of the animatronic with the tentacles, his arms were outstretched and palms closed, like he was picking something up. Positioning the broken animatronic upwards, he looked at the damage.

The tentacles had punched a hole straight through the chest of the machine. Currently, it was not in working condition. "Pinkie, when we get home, I'll fix this up for ya."

"Aren't you going to tell us about these tentacles, and how you got them." Celestia asked threateningly.

Kobold informed the royal alicorn on the pages. Including his other acquired powers.

_Might not have been the smartest idea, but logic kind of goes out the window when an all powerful sun goddess is giving you a death stare._

"So, right now you have 'Blink', 'Tentacles', and 'Perception Filter'?"

"Yep."

"If you will excuse me for a moment." Celestia left the foyer in the direction of her room.

"Now might be a good time to beat it. Thank you, Luna, for inviting us, it's been a pleasure, send my regards to Celestia." Kobold quickly blurted out. He picked up the animatronic and stuffed it in his bag, not moving his arms this time.

Afterwords, he sprinted out of the palace, and towards the general direction of the train station.

On his way there, he happened to spot a broken television on the road that looked like it had fallen a great height. He recognized it as the same television that he had chucked out the balcony.

When Kobold arrived at the station, the train was just a minute away from leaving. The Elements, somehow, had already arrived at the train and had taken there seats.

"Kobold," Twilight spoke. "Why were you so eager to get out of there so fast."

"You'll find out in three, two, one."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

**Additional: Alternative ending to this chapter. It wouldn't make much sense to put these two together, so consider only the one above canon.**

As Kobold took a seat in the train, Pinkie appeared next to him. "Hi! Guess what I found lying in the streets!" Out of nowhere, she pulled out the smashed television.

"Pinkie, did you look inside it yet?"

"Yea! I found this." Pinkie, again, pulled out of nowhere the VHS tape labeled 'Buckaneers'.

"Pinkie, can I see those?"

"Sure."

"HUUUUAAAAH." Kobold flung the television and the disk out the window.

"AND STAY OUT!"

***Deep inhale* *deep exhale.* **

**Why do people like this shit?**

**Finally got this one done. by far, the longest chapter written yet. Had this idea for awhile, and I wanted to torture Kobold and emphasize the fact that HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN PONIES. But now for a more serious topic. Did you enjoy the 'adult humor' in this chapter, and if so, would you like to see more of it in future chapters.  
><span>**

**Just a note, if I do choose to continue this kind of humor, than I'll try my damnedest to keep it as T rated as I can. I realize that this is an M rated fic, but I'd like to have some mercy for those of you only reading this for the violence. **

**Also, the results for the contest in the last chapter. The winner was...**

**NOBODY! *throws paper into the air.* No one got the references. I'm a tad ashamed, but then again, the references were rather vauge, at best, and corrupted to fit the situation.**

**Anyway, the first reference was to Red Dwarf, an old BBC sci-fi comedy. The line was;  
><span>**

**"Stop. Resisting. I am going to make you a suit and you are going to like it. Rarity Directive 274."**

**"You're forgetting Kobold Directive 596 which clearly states 'no way in hell, you white, magic bitch'."**

**The second was to Futurama. The line was;**

**"Pardon, but if I may ask, is that REAL velour?"**

**Celestia responded "Why yes, it is real velour. Why do you ask?"**

**I need to get a life. **

**And friends.**

**And maybe one or two other things.**

**AAAAANYway, favorite, follow and reveiw if you like this shit.**

**For shits a giggles, and to attempt to increase follows\favorites, I'm holding a little bit of a game, so to say.**

**If I can get fifteen follows and fifteen favorites, or any combonation of that that equals thirty, I will open a character blog on Tumblr, again, for shits and giggles.**

**HAVE AT IT.**

**And Happy Holidays**


	7. Chapter 7 Part 1: Hell Frozen Over

**Note: The events in this chapter occur 2 weeks after chapter 6**

**This chapter is going to be a lot darker and have a lot less humor. Just a warning.**

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Frozen Wasteland outside Crystal Empire_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

A lone yellow pegasus with an orange mane was lost in the frozen wasteland. Rumors had been spreading that King Sombra had returned yet again, that's why they put up the forcefield around the kingdom. The pegasus was one of the few that were brave enough to venture out into this icy hell.

But that wasn't why she was nervous

She was nervous because nopony had ever come back after leaving.

The pegasus came across a deep ravine. Peeking inside, she saw something moving.

"Hello, who's there?"

A demonic voice came from within the ravine. "Oh, you know."

Rocketing out of the ravine, a sharp tentacle pierced the pegasus's chest, going straight through her and breaking out her back. From the point of impact, a black, viscous liquid spread, covering the pegasus. Her wings turned into a mass of tentacles, her eyes beginning to leak blood.

After a minute of exposure, the pegasus crumbled to dust.

"A real fucking monster."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_Canterlot Throne Room_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

Celestia was sitting on her throne, staring intently at the door as if awaiting something to charge through. In the center of the room stood a gray metal disk with a glowing red circle inside of it. The red circle was projecting a hologramatic sun into the air.

Knocking was heard at the doors. They were kicked down. From the ruins of the door came Kobold, Luna, and an unknown unicorn colt. He had a dark blue coat with a black, messy mane and short, messy tail. His Cutie Mark was an iceberg.

**Yes. Yes, he is.**

A middle aged woman's voice rang through the air from an unidentifiable source.

"Mission begins in ten seconds.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Begin!"

Kobold walked directly in front of Celestia, who was now standing on the opposite side of the metal disk. He shoved his face into her's so that their eyes were an inch away from each other.

And he began to taunt her.

"You are weak! You are bleeders!  
>You are faggot! You are traitors!<p>

You run fast; I run faster!  
>You are funny; I am funnier!<p>

This kill is mine, this death is yours!  
>This point is mine, this point; not yours!<p>

You are failure, hit the shower!  
>Can not burn me! FIRE! FIRE!<p>

This is MY world! Do you get that?  
>You are nothin' but a maggot!<p>

I will kill you! I will eat you!  
>You are weak! You are bleeders!<p>

You are, you are, you are, you are  
>You run, I run, you are, I am<br>This kill, this death, this point, this point  
>You are, hit the, can not, FIRE!"<p>

At this point, Kobold had grabbed Celestia head and began to smash it, alternating between using the wall, his knee, and against the ground with his foot.

"You are weak! You are bleeders!  
>You are faggot! You are traitors!<p>

You run fast, I run faster!  
>You are funny, I am funnier!<p>

This kill is mine, this death is yours!  
>This point is mine, this point; not yours!<p>

You are failure, hit the shower!  
>Can not burn me! FIRE! FIRE!<p>

This is MY world! Do you get that?  
>You are nothin' but a maggot!<p>

I will kill you! I will eat you!  
>You are weak! You are bleeders!<br>You are faggot! You are traitors!

You run fast, I run faster!  
>You are funny, I am funnier!<p>

Can not burn me! FIRE! FIRE!"

Kobold threw Celestia into the middle of the disk, and began to pace around it.

"Sir, yes, sir! I am a soldier! YES!

Sir, yes, sir! I am a soldier! YES!

Sir, yes sir! I am a soldier! YES!

Sir, yes, sir! I am a soldier."

Celestia burped.

"Celestia? Uuagh, no! Damn it! Damn it! You are maggot!"

"Hey, Private Hair-Cut!"

"One-eye cross dresser!"

"Go to hell, DRUNK DEVIL!"

"Englishman with a dress!"

"Oi! ...What just happened?"

Celestia struggled to stand up, looked toward Kobold, grabbed him with her magic, and flung him around the room, into the walls, ceiling, and floor.

"DOMINATE! I'll be gentle!  
>DOMINATE! Shaggin' your wife!<br>DOMINATE! Big ugly girl!  
>D-DOMINATE! You're all bloody dead!<br>DOMINATE! Eat lead, lads!  
>DOMINATE! Bloody blockhead!<br>DOMINATE! DOMINATE! DOMINATE!  
>Hah heh heh heh...<p>

DOMINATE! All ya dandies!  
>DOMINATE! Thanks for the ride!<br>DOMINATE! Our bloody point!  
>DOMINATE! That will teach 'em!<br>DOMINATE! Gon'ta strangle!  
>DOMINATE!"<p>

Celestia snoozed off, and dropped Kobold. Conscience was quickly fading her as she laid down on the disk.

"What?... BLOODY HELL!"

Kobold jumped on to the now motionless body of Celestia, and proceeded to dance an Irish jig.

"You are weak! You are bleeders!  
>You are faggot! You are traitors!<p>

You run fast, I run faster!  
>You are funny, I am funnier!<p>

This kill is mine, this death is yours!  
>This point is mine, this point; not yours!<p>

You are failure, hit the shower!  
>Can not burn me! FIRE! FIRE!<p>

This is MY world! Do you get that?  
>You are nothin' but a maggot!<p>

I will kill you! I will eat you!  
>You are weak! You are bleeders!<br>You are faggot! You are traitors!

You run fast, I run faster!  
>You are funny, I am funnier!<p>

Can not burn me! FIRE! FIRE!"

Kobold back flipped off of Celestia. The circle in the middle of the disk had turned into a midnight blue, and projected a crescent moon. The middle aged womans voice rung out again.

"Victory!"

A man with a blue suit and matching balaclava appeared next to Kobold. He raised his hand and spoke in a French accent.

"Slap my hand."

"Oh, yes." Kobold replied. They high five.

"Well, the moment has passed. Back to work." The suited man said.

_/\/\/\/\_

_Reality_

_/\/\/\/\_

Waking up, Kobold rubbed his face. He looked down at the moon amulet Luna had given him. He hadn't taken it off since he got it, and he didn't plan to any time soon.

"This thing's been given me weird dreams. Although, that last one wasn't that bad. Love smashing the little cunt's face around."

Kobold rubbed his neck, still raw from the animatronic. "Damn thing. Should have remembered to input humans along with ponies. Could've gotten myself killed. Very bad for my health." He checked the clock. "Six A.M. Bout time to get up."

The next three hours consisted of morning scotch and reading. Along with many strips of beef jerky.

"Fruits and veggies don't seem to agree with me. Meat, however, goes down smooth, like my whiskey. Ive been living off this shit for, what, a month and a half, now? Hmm, I seem to be a pure carnivore. Weird they haven't asked me about my eatin' habits. Then again, perception filter. Damn, I love this thing."

Kobold finished of the jerky, and just in time, too. Someone was knocking on the door. "S'open."

The door opened and the same gray pegasus who delivered the letter saying he had to go to Appleoosa stepped in. He had heard her name around town, but he couldn't think of it. Right on the tip of his tounge, too. Ditsy Doo? Derpy Hooves? Something like that.

"Need something?"

"Urgent message. I was suppose to deliver it earlier, but I...sort of got lost."

"Hmm, you'd expect the person who delivers the mail to know this town like the back of her hand." Kobold muttered

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing. Give me the letter."

Derpy, or was it Ditsy, gave him the letter with a dubious expression. It was covered in stamped 'urgent's, 'emergency's', and 'deliver to Kobold's. Kobold flipped her a bit and she left. The letter was hastily written and read;

* * *

><p><em>Kobold. Urgent emergency. Ponies disappearing. Giant black mass. Elements already here. Celestia refuse help. Really hates you. Report to Crystal Empire. Ticket held within. Luna.<em>

* * *

><p>"Oh, shit, this doesn't sound good. But the bitch not wanting my help, not surprising." He packed his scotch glass and headed to the train station.<p>

Luckily, he got there on time. The train was one minute from leaving. Kobold boarded and found an empty room. This was not an overnight trip, so it was just standard seating instead of bunks. He found himself a nice window seat.

The door opened and someone came in. _Aw, come on, I've had too much of women lately. Its been weeks since I've had conversation with a man. I may be antisocial, but I'm still human. And a man. I need some conversation with people of my own gender._

Evidently, God or Satan or Brahma or Buddha whoever the hell controls the universe gave him a break.

It was finally a man! A pony, sure, but something of the male species.

Strangely enough, he looked exactly like the pony from his dream. He took a seat across from his.

"'Sup." Kobold simply said.

"Nothing." The unicorn replied. "You?" He spoke with a slight Irish/Scottish accent

"Same. Name's Hosamen. Kobold Hosamen."

"I've heard about you. Your that 'human', right?"

"Yea."

"Anyway, my name's Cold Fusion."

"Strange name, an adjective." _And something to do with nuclear shit._

"True, but there are others. Pinkie, for example."

"True, true."

"So, what brings you to the Crystal Empire?"

"Urgent message. Wasn't really given much information, just get there immediately. How 'bout you?"

"I work an ice shop in Ponyville. I need some of these 'ice magic crystals' to fuel some of my magic to make some of the more...elaborate ice. Normally, it's shipped directly to my store, but something's been going on, and they haven't been able to deliver."

"There's seriously an ice shop in town?"

"Yeah, simply 'Cold's Ice'."

"Heh, anyway, you were saying something about a delivery?"

"Oh, yeah. Evidently, the area around the Crystal Empire has been covered in snow, making it the frozen wasteland it was before Sombra was banished."

"Okay, give me the lecture."

"Essentially? King Sombra was an evil dictator, forcing ponies under his rule to be slaves. Eventually, he was overthrown, but recently came back, but was banished to Tartarus."

"What?"

"It's a place were demons, devils, and other evil things reside."

_Celestia would fit in there just fine. _"Okay, so he was banished again. Then what."

"Nopony knows. The wasteland just re-appeared a week ago, and ponies have been disappearing ever since. Many think that Sombra is returning again."

_That would explain the urgent message. _"So, your essentially risking your life just to get some smeging ice crystals."

"Yes. The things I can make with those sell for high prices. The stores been having a bit of a rough season. I need something to get it back on it's feet."

"Well, I hope your shop gets back up."

"Thanks."

The train ride went on for about an hour. Kobold just stared out the window as it transitioned to the frozen wastelands. As the endless landscape of snow passed by, he began to wonder what was awaiting him. An evil tyrant king, or something equally horrifying. What ever it was, it was enough to scare and probably kill ponies on sight and leave no remains.

_This is sounding a lot like SCP-096._

Kobold spotted a small, black dot. It was off in the distance, but it was clearly visible. Cold saw it too, as evidenced by the needle head sized pupils. The dot gave off a malevolent, dark aura as it slowly increased in size.

"Cold, are there any other passengers on board?"

"No, just you, me, and the conductor. Nopony wants to go to the Empire. Now I'm seeing why." Cold Fusion said, his eyes fixated on the rapidly approaching dot.

"Good, then I have no problem doing this." Kobold wrapped Cold and himself in a protective cocoon of his own tentacles. And just in time. The second they were wrapped, the dot, which was now a mass of floating tentacles, slammed into the train, sending it off the rails, and hurling the duo outside into a snowbank.

"Aaaah, oooooh, ow." Kobold mumbled and he rubbed his back, the only place not fully protected by the tentacles. "That's gonna hurt in the morning." Looking back at the train, he saw a most horrific site.

The mass of tentacles had a face. A cruel, sadistic grin and pure black eyes with red iris's. Blood also leaked from them. This abomination of nature was tearing apart the train, looking for its next meal. It came across the conductor, and shoved one of its tentacles through his chest. A dark, viscous fluid spread from the impact area, and consumed the entirety of its body. When it was done, he simple crumbled to dust.

All while he was screaming.

And the monster was laughing.

"That little bastard, let me at him." Cold tried to jump out of their hiding spot, but Kobold quickly grabbed him. "Hold it, Cold, that thing'll kill you with ease."

"Well, do you have a better plan?"

Kobold lifted half his body out of the snowbank and looked toward the train rails. He saw that the train was about fifty yards away from what would seem to be a pink force field. He had never tried to do it with another person before, but just maybe...

"Hmm, I smell fresh blood, something that's not from here." The monster spoke, looking in Kobold's general direction. "Ah, a human. It has been so long since I've tasted something so," the creature did what could only be described as licking it's non-existent lips. "decadent."

"What the flying fuck are you?"

"Oh, you don't remember me? I would have thought you would have, Kobold."

Kobold stood there, flabbergasted that this...THING knew his name. "Wh-wh-wh-wh-what?" Cringing as a headache, Kobold's head was filled with the knowledge of this creature. It was all summarized into a single word.

**_Zalgo_**

"Hehehe, really did a number on you, did it? AHAHAHAH, this is too funny, I might just keep you alive for shits and giggles. But, I need food, and your friend over there is looking quite appetizing."

"Okay, were getting the hell out of here." Kobold grabbed Cold with one of his own tentacles. Straining himself to his very limits, he was able to blink just barely inside the force field, tumbling himself and Cold onto the clear ground. Kobold had strained himself so much, his body was shutting down to compensate. He had maybe one, two minutes before unconsciousness overtook him. Turning to his left, he saw Cold Fusion staring at him with awe, fear, and curiousity. "Wh-what the buck just happened, what are you, how did you-" He was cut off by Kobold. "Frankly," he said weakly, "I have no idea."

Unconsciousness took over, and then there was nothing but darkness.

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_2 Hours Later_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

Kobold awoke with blurry vision being stared down by Twilight, Luna, and another unknown pink alicorn with a purple, pink, and white striped mane. She also seemed to be wearing a crown of some from. Kobold never noticed it before, but Luna also wore a crown.

"Look, I think he's waking up!" Said the pink alicorn

His vision clear up slightly, as he could see that he was in a building with a high...crystalline ceiling.

"Am I dead?"

"No, not yet, anyway." Said Luna. "You're inside the Crystal Palace. I assume you received the urgent message?"

"Yes, yes I did. And I saw what was out there. Were's Cold Fusion."

"The blue pony?" Asked Twilight. "He's in the other room. You know, he carried you all the way here, then passed out. He should be up by now."

"This room?"

"Yes."

Kobold opened the door to the room. Cold was sitting on the edge of a bed, looking like he had just woken up, which is probably what happened. "Hey, man, you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

Kobold took a seat next to Cold. "Hey, thanks for saving me out there."

"You thanking me? I should be thanking YOU. YOU saved me from that...THING. What was it, anyway?"

"It was-" Kobold was interrupted by the materialization and opening of a wooden door, which spewed forth The Narrator.

"No! Bad Kobold! You aren't suppose to tell anyone about what it is yet. Leave it for the dramatic reveal." The Narrator closed the door, and it de-materialized.

**Question: Do you enjoy the fourth wall breaking antics of The Narrator? And if so, would you like to see more in future chapters?**

"-rom that...THING. What was it, anyway?"

"I don't know, Cold." Kobold lied. "Anyway, feel like you can get on your feet?"

"Nah, I need some more time. Your not exactly the lightest thing to carry, you know?"

They both chuckled at the joke. Kobold left Cold to sleep some more. When he exited, he came face to face with the pink alicorn.

"Oi."

"Hello. You must be Kobold."

"Yes. And you?"

"I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. However, everypony calls me Princess Cadence."

"Hi, Cadence. So, what's the status on the situation?"

"Simply, we can't keep it back. Follow me." Cadence led Kobold into a room with an enormous round table, the Elements, Luna, and Celestia already seated.

_If I have died, and this is really all just a facade, then I'm really in hell if that cheeky bitch is here._

The two enemies locked eyes. Celestia bent down towards Luna, who was sitting next to her, and whispered something. She whispered back. Kobold couldn't make out what they were saying, it was too quiet. But he could only assume the worst.

"So, let me guess, this is a war council room?"

"You guess correctly. I always hoped I never had to use this room again." responded Cadence. Kobold took the seat opposite of Celestia. He wanted to be as far away from the sunny blighter as possible.

"So, Kobold," Cadence began. "we are fresh out of ideas. We need to find a way to get that creature out of here. No matter what we do, it almost seems to anticipate it and plan around. Do you have any ideas. We can't hold out for much longer. Shining Armor can only hold the shield up for so long."

"I assume Shining is the main guard around here."

"And my husband, yes."

"So, you really want my advice on this matter, Cadence? Make peace with your gods."

All of the occupants of the table stared at Kobold in disbelief. "What did you say?" They all said simultaneously.

"The creature that occupies the frozen wasteland outside these walls. Its name is Zalgo. Its presence was meant to symbolize the end times. Nothing in this world, nor any world, can stop it. You think what it does here is bad? Imagine that same level of horror occurring all throughout Equestria. Then multiply that level of horror by six. That is what awaits this world."

"A-are you absolutely certain?" Questioned Luna.

"Yes, yes I am. The only realistic option is to sit here and wait for death."

Every single on of them looked down at the table, clearly depressed. "I'm sorry I had to break it to you like this. But, in the mean time, there's no use mopping around here. Put your affairs in order, and make piece with your gods. Goodbye." And with that, Kobold left the room.

"Wait, Kobold!" Fluttershy barreled uncharacteristically out of the room towards him. "Is there really nothing you can do?"

"I'm afraid not. Now, I highly suggest you take my advice. What time is it, twelve?"

"Twelve thirty."

"Okay, then." And with that, Kobold left and walked through the hallowed halls.

"Com on, think, you magnificent, bad ass fucker. You can think of something, come on, think think think. How do you get out of this situation?"

But he couldn't think of a way. "Well, we're fucked. Although...no, no, its too dangerous, I could get killed...but then again, I'm going to die soon anyway." Deep inhale, exhale. "Well, here I go." He left he Palace and into the small...holy shit. Kobold was expecting an enormous empire when he walked outside, but what he got was the size of a small village. And the pink force field surround the town was rapidly shrinking.

"Damn, this problem was worse then I thought." He began to walk down the street leading out into the frozen wasteland.

"Where do you think you're going?" Luna had seen him leave the Palace. She teleported in front of Kobold, blocking his way.

"Luna, get out of my way."

"Not until you tell me what you're doing."

"I'm going to hold this thing off. Get everyone out of here as soon as you can." He blinked behind her and continued walking

"That suicide! I can't let you go." She teleported in front of him again.

"Luna. Get. Out. Of. My. Way."

"No! I cannot let you go."

"I really didn't want to do this." Kobold drew out a tentacle from his back, and swiped Luna to the side like she was a piece of paper, knocking her unconscious.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He took out a piece of paper and a pen, writing a simple note. When he was done, he put it on Luna.

**_Run. -Kobold._**

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_One mile outside Crystal Empire_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

"Damn this insufferable cold." Complained Kobold. He may like the cold, but this wasn't normal cold. It had a demonic feel to it, almost as if this place was what hell would be if frozen over. "Damn thing must be nearby."

"Right you are, Kobold." Zalgo was floating about ten yards to his right. Kobold turned to face it.

"Alright, you overgrown black ivy. You have two options. One, crawl back into the hellhole you came from, or two, die a horrible death. Which will it be?"

"I'll choose option three, kill you and feast upon this world."

"So be it." Kobold pulled out his pistols and shot Zalgo.

It did nothing. Zalgo lashed out a tentacle at Kobold, and he narrowly dodged it. Bringing out his sword, he slashed at Zalgo's tentacle, chopping it off.

Zalgo did not react. It swung the stub of a tentacle towards Kobold, knocking him down. Before he could get up, Zalgo shoved one of his un-damaged tentacles into Kobold's chest. After it lodged, he was able to stand, but only on his knee's

"Heheheh, I never expected you to be this _weak. _But, a feast is a feast, no matter how easy."

Kobold gripped the tentacle in a feeble attempt to pull it out. When it failed, he released it, appearing defeated. Zalgo just laughed at his petty attempts. Kobold closed his eyes, and did something Zalgo did not expect.

He smiled.

It was the kind of smile a small child might have after they had come up with a brilliant idea.

He opened his eyes and dark blue smoke poured upward out of them. The moon amulet began to pulsate.

"You think I die that easily?" Kobold voice became layered and demonic. "You are sorely mistaken." He drew a tentacle from his back and sliced off Zalgo's tentacle and pulled it out, leaving a hole in Kobold's chest. Zalgo reeled back in pain, while Kobold stood, un-afflicted by his injury.

"But-but how? How is this possible?"

Kobold simply retorted in three simple words, all while the mischievous smile was still on his face.

"U wot, m8?"

All of Kobold tentacles, totaling fifteen, emerged from his back and charged Zalgo. Bit by bit, they ripped Zalgo apart. Pieces of him flew in ever direction.

This continued until all that was left of Zalgo was a pair of eyes and a mouth, loosely bound together by wispy darkness.

"Heheheh." It laughed. "So, this is how it ends? Killed by a child? Well, at least I die on a full stomach." Kobold impaled Zalgo's remains and the tentacles absorbed Zalgo's very essence, leaving nothing behind but its impression on the snow.

"Well, that was quick."

His tentacles returned to his back, and the effects of the amulet, which Kobold assumed was the cause of him going Super Saiyan, began to wear off.

Dropping to his knees, Kobold clutched the hole in his chest, burning with pain. Some of the blood had leaked out onto the snow.

"Hmm, been some time since I've seen this much of my own blood." He began to cough up some blood. "That just adds to the amount. Well, it looks like my time here is over. Been a good run, too. Got some friends, had some fun, enjoyed myself. Not too bad. Heh, now it comes down to this, dying in a pool of my own blood soaked snow after defeating an abomination from hell. Sounds heroic, if not a bit cliche." He could feel the life slowly draining away.

"Well, time to meet the maker."

**AAAAAAAAND cliffhanger. I pulled an all-nighter and got 2/3s of this story done. **

**I had plans to continue this, but I believe that a cliffhanger leading up until the next part, which will probably be a lot shorter than my normal chapters, would be...better, I think is the word. **

**Fun Fact: While something is being developed, it tends to go through multiple changes.**

**"No Shit, Sherlock."**

**Shut up, Kobold, your dead.**

**Anyway, originally, Kobold was to fall in the middle of the Everfree Forest and build a shelter there. It wouldn't be until later that he found out were he was. I scraped this because I couldn't find a good way to send it into scenarios like Chapter 3, plus, amnesia wouldn't work realistically. **

**Speaking of Chapter 3, another scraped idea was to have "Your Gunna Go Far, Kid." by The Offspring playing during the fight scene. Scraped because I didn't think it would go well, and a lot of the fighting would go against SCP-096's attack patterns. Still feel good about that LotR reference, though.**

**My third scraped idea was a scene with Derpy immediately after Kobold left "Bits n' Bobs", involving her crashing into Kobold on her way inside to see The Doctor. This was scraped because, well, I try to keep the chapters around 4,000 words long, or around that amount. Chapter 6 had 6,000 plus words. I don't think I need much more explaining. **

**My fourth and final idea was to decorate Kobold walls with various quotes and a novelty "Certificate of Badassery" from Harvard. Cut because...actually, I don't know why I cut that, hmm.**

**Anyway, review to let me know what you think, favorite if you like it, and follow if you want moar.**

**See you next time :3**


	8. Chapter 7 Part 2: Game Over

**Note: If you are easily offended by anything pertaining to devils or Satan, then why the hell are you reading this?**

"Welcome back to reality." Echoed a female voice.

"For the past month and a half, you have been playing a 'total immersion' AR video game by the name of 'No Man's Land'. It will take several minutes before your real memories return. Until then, please move to the recuperation lab."

A plastic mask raised off off Kobold. He was attached to a large machine with one seat, hooked up to some form of life support. Darting his head around, Kobold tried to understand were he was.

A stout man with red hair and a weaselly face walked into the room to check on Kobold. He spoke in an British accent. "Lost the game, didya?"

"Where am I?"

"Your in a AR computer simulation room. You've been here for a month and a half. What's the last thing ya did?"

"Last thing I remember doing is dying in the middle of a frozen wasteland after killing Zalgo."

"So, you got about half way through the first part, then?"

"Guess so."

"Hey, didja get Twilight?"

"Wait, what, EW, I'm not into that."

"But that's the objective of the game, init? Tryin' to win over Twilight's affections by defending Equestria. Ya twonk. How about Pinkie's origins, didja get that, at least."

"Why would I want anything to do with that crazy pink bitch."

"But that's the easiest thing to do in the game, init! You go to her parents' rock farm and ask why Pinkie is so different then her family. She adopted, by the way. No wonder you only got six percent. Well, better get moving. Next guy is suppose to be here any second now."

"Wait, my real memories haven't returned yet! Were do I go?"

"The re-cup-er-a-tion lab. Didn't ya here the intercom? Ya twonk. Down the hall, second room on your left."

When the man finished talking, another man, of a short, thin build walked into the room with a smile on his face. "Oi, your the next guy, right? Just sit in here. Alright, now, there's gunna be some disorientation when you go in, just a warning, alright? Good." The weaselly faced man lowered the plastic mask onto the next man. "What you standin' around here for? Get movin'."

Kobold left the room and walked halfway towards the recuperation lab. On his way there, he spotted some form of binoculars fixed to the wall. Looking through them, he saw someone evidently gotten the objective of the game and was getting busy with Twilight.

"Okay, now I need some bleach."

The recuperation lab consisted of a bench in the middle of the room, and various bags with tags on them. Most of the tags had pictures, but a few did not. Kobold flipped through the bags until he found one with his picture on it.

The name read 'Jake Bullet'.

"Well, got a badass name. But is this really...real? Is this a dream, or something?"

"Not quite, Kobold." The Narrator had materialized his door next to Kobold.

"AH." Kobold jumped. "You really shouldn't do that."

"Do you want to know where you are or not?"

"Fine, where I am."

The Narrator, for the first time, left his door and took a seat next to Kobold. "Your soul is in Limbo until they can decide what to do with it."

"They?"

"The big man upstairs and the red man downstairs. Right now, there having an argument. The red man downstairs can either keep his deal or renege on it. And he's trying his best to keep it."

"What deal?"

"You'll find out soon enough." The floor beneath Kobold began to crack. "If he keeps his deal, good job. If he doesn't...well, good luck."

"Wait, don't you have control over what happens? You're The Narrator, for fuck's sake!"

"Not here. I no longer have jurisdiction." A hole opened up underneath Kobold's feet. "See ya."

"AAAAHHHHHH." The world around Kobold quickly began to fall and fade. As he fell through this hole, he began to wonder what awaited him at the bottom.

A hellish landscape.

A heavenly place.

A bed surrounded by extremely attractive, scantily clad woman.

"Okay, that last one's wishful thinking."

The walls around him took a reddish tint as the air began to heat up. Below him, Kobold could see red rock and flames. The closer he got to what was assumed to be the ground, the slower Kobold fell. When he finally reached the bottom, he took a look at his surroundings.

"What have I gotten myself into?"

Around him was a hellish landscape, complete with fire, red brimstone, and screaming.

"So, this is what Hell looks like?" Kobold spotted an nude, anatomically incorrect man with rough, red skin, horns, and a pointed tail. The man looked toward Kobold with a smile of glee.

"Good news, Kobold. I was able to convince the big man upstairs to let you off again. Be more careful, though. I'm not sure how much longer I can argue with him."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Hell is correct, my friend. But how could you forget me? You old pal, Satan?"

"Wait a second, I'm friends with the devil?"

"Damn, He must've made you got through without it being finished."

"Without what being finished?" Streams of light were beginning to emit from above Kobold.

"Whoops, we've been talking for too long. You gotta get moving before he changes his mind. Now, don't go dying again. I can't keep you alive forever. JUst remember to keep your head and/or heart safe. I can't bring you back if both aren't intact."

"What the heEEEEELLLLL." Kobold was lifted off the ground as a strong updraft brought him upwards, toward a circle of light. The light approached rapidly until he passed through it.

Then, darkness.

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Back at the Wastelands_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

Kobold's lifeless body, now blue from the cold, was strewn amongst the snow. Lightning struck the body, and life came pouring back into him. The blueness faded, and his eyes snapped open. He looked down at his chest to see that the hole was still there. But as he was looking, black tentacles, not unlike his own, filled in the void and faded into his natural skin color.

"Narrator?" The wooden door materialized and The Narrator stepped out.

"What is it, Kobold?"

"Did you really have to bring me back?"

"Why are you complaining?"

"Because it seems rather...Mary Sue-esque."

"I wanted there to be some suspense. Plus, you heard Satan. He doesn't know how many more lives you have left until the big man upstairs decides the deal is void."

"So, basically, try not to die again?"

"Yeah. This may be your last time."

"Okay, okay, I get it."

"Now, that paper should be around here somewhere. Go find it." And with that, The Narrator was gone, leaving Kobold alone in the frozen wasteland.

After about five minutes of searching, Kobold came across the water logged paper. "I couldn't have been gone THAT long. Then again, snow everywhere."

He picked up the paper. It was drawn in the same crude form as the others. This one depicted a tall man in a suit, with the words 'no' hastily drawn all around him. On the back were the obligatory words.

Bullet Immunity.

The paper did its normal disintegration shtick, but Kobold didn't feel the surge of energy, most likely because he sustained to current injuries

"How does that make any sense? There's no bullets in this world! Oh well, better make my way back home." Out of Kobold's bag came a large walking stick with an eagle's head carved into the top. He spotted the train rails leading out of the Empire and followed them.

And thus, his long journey began.

It took Kobold about a week to walk on foot back to Ponyville. "I have never loved the train system more. But with the only connecting train to town 'out of commission', then I have to leg it back. Damn cold."

On his way, he saw many strange things. Flying horses made out of wind, weird bug creatures that shape-shift, and a really, really oddly placed rock. It looked like it may have belonged somewhere, or maybe someone had possession of it once.

**I might make this a spin-off fic in the future. Emphasis on the might**

But, after much hardship and travel, Kobold arrived at the Ponyville train station.

When he saw this, he dropped his walking stick and bag, ran up to the building, embraced it, and began to kiss the wall.

"I have never been so happy to see civilization. MWAH. MWAH. MWAH."

It took Kobold a moment to notice that no one was around. "Strange, usually, this place is bustling with activity, and now, no one's here. Hmm, must be something going on." Walking a ways inside the town, he spotted where everyone could have gone to. The town hall appeared to be having an event inside. It was strangely quite, with one person talking.

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a great pony."

Kobold strolled inside and looked around. Evidently, it was a funeral. The place was arranged like a church, wooden pews, giant cross up front, the whole deal. No one had noticed him yet, so he decided to announce his presence.

"Hey, guys, what's happenin'"

Every head turned towards him, each with varying levels of disbelief. In the audience, Kobold could spot The Elements, Cold Fusion, and Luna. Kobold spotted a yellow cake on a nearby buffet table, walked over to it, grabbed a plate, took a slice, and ate it.

"Mmm, lemony." He waltzed over to were Cold Fusion was seated, sat down, and took out a bottle of Jack Daniels. "So, what's goin' on? Who died?" Kobold asked as he took a swig from his whiskey.

"You."

Kobold spit out the alcohol in his mouth in the traditional spit-take fashion, dousing the person in front of him with medium quality booze.

"What?"

"This funeral is, er, was for you."

"You think I die that easily? How long was I gone?"

"Two weeks."

"WHAT? I swear I couldn't have been gone that long. I traveled for one week, not two!"

"Well, you're here now. That's all that matters."

"Yeah, guess so." Kobold stood up from his spot. "The funeral's off, people. Go back to your normal, everyday schedule."

And with that, everyone got up and left, excluding Cold, The Elements, and Luna.

"Okay, question. Why didn't anyone come and try to retrieve my body?"

"Celestia." They all responded simultaneously.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Well," started Luna. "Celestia has an extreme dislike for y-"

"Luna, I was being sarcastic."

"Oh..."

"AAAANYway, I'm back now. Let get out of here and return to our normal lives." Kobold said as he slowly inched his way toward the cake.

_Come on, perception filter, don't fail me now._

"OH OH OH, let's have a party to celebrate you coming back to life."

_Dammit. _

"Two things, Pinkie. One, how did you know I died, and two, no."

"Just a hunch."

"Wait, you DIED!" Everyone minus Pinkie shouted.

"Uhhh, yeah, I did because OH SLENDER, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT." Kobold pointed at the other side of the room. While they were distracted, he blinked over to the cake, grabbed it, and blinked out the door.

"Hehehehe, suckers."

**AAAAAAAND cut. I told you It would be shorter. **

**I wonder if anyone got the joke about some HiE's at the beginning. And the Red Dwarf reference. **

**But yeah, first and probably the only 2 part chapter I'll make here.**

**Unless I feel the need to do it again.**

**Anyway, I need to talk buisness. Which would you rather see Kobold fight, zombies or robots? Review/Comment your side.**

**Also, would you like to see more of The Narrator in this fic? Or will this be the last of him?**

**Review your thoughts, favorite if you like, follow if you want moar.**

**News: This story, along with The Music Of Chaos, is now on FiMfiction. Everything is copy pasted over, with just a slight amount of editing to conform to their rules and guidelines, mainly "No copyrighted music lyrics."**


	9. Chapter 8: OBJECTION!

**Note: This chapter takes place the day after Chapter 7**

_"Reaahhh" "Reeaaooohh"_

_Bang, bang._

"Fucking zombies."

Kobold was standing directly outside the library, both guns in his hands. Inside, Twilight, Spike, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were boarding up the windows. Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie couldn't make it in before they got them.

"How ya doin' in there?"

"Almost done." answered Rainbow Dash. "Where is everypony else?"

"Well," Kobold looked around at the horde of zombies. "By the looks of it, we might be the only ones left alive. There might be one or two other survivor safe houses, but the odds of that are unlikely."

"So..." Began Fluttershy. "We're the only ones...left." She broke down, crying.

Kobold closed the door, leaving Rainbow and Twilight to board it up. "There, there, we are going to make it out of this, everything's going to be fine." He said whilst stroking her mane.

But he knew he was lying. They were going to die there.

Unless they could stop the spread.

But what could be carrying The Infection?

In the distance, barely audible to anyone, was the sound of rumbling.

"If I'm not back in twenty minutes, assume the worst."

Kobold left the library, his face toward the Horde. By the looks of it, only him, Twilight, Fluttershy, Spike, and Rainbow Dash were able to get to safety. Off into the distance, he spotted the source of the infection.

An tall, tan rock with a pair of arms and legs.

For some odd reason, the rocks appendages reminded him of a certain fat Russian man with a mini-gun.

Pulling out the black music tablet, Kobold uttered the fitting words for this rumble.

"Apollo 440: Stop the Rock."

Sword out an guns a-blazing, Kobold charged The Rock.

"Stop The Rock.

Stop The Rock."

A long necked Earth Pony and a talon-ed pegasus jumped Kobold from around a corner. The pegasus pounced Kobold whilst the Earth Pony spat up a wad of green, acidic goo. Kobold shot the pegasus before it could do any real damage and then shot the Earth Pony, rolling out of the way of the acidic goo.

"Stop The Rock."

The Rock was in sights again, and Kobold blinked over to it, attempting to stab it in its 'back'

But The Rock just kept on charging.

"Stop The Rock."

Can't stop The Rock.

You can't stop The Rock.

Can't stop The Rock.

You can't stop The Rock

Can't stop The Rock."

No matter what Kobold did, The Rock just kept running. Bullet, sword, explosion, nothing worked on it. But Kobold was persistent, still trying to kill The Rock to slow down the spread of The Infection.

A unicorn with large lumps on the front of her throat launched an enormous tongue at Kobold, dragging him off to the roof in which she was stationed at. Kobold attempted to free himself from the tongue's choking grip, but to no avail.

As the last bits of life faded from his view, he could only think of one thing.

_I should have known I couldn't stop The Rock._

_/\/\/\/_

_Reality_

_/\/\/\/_

"AAAAAAHHHHH, SWEET MOTHER OF SLENDER." Kobold had awoken again from another weird dream.

"Why does this keep happening to me? The amulets magic is gone, I quit booze after nine, and yet, I'm still having these fucking dreams. What the shit!?"

He heard hard pounding at the office door. "Who the hell could that be? Who needs to see me at...12:30 A.M." Disheveled, Kobold got up out of bed and walked over to the door, and opened it.

Flash of yellow and pink.

"Kobold, are you okay? I heard screaming, and I thought that something might be wrong. Did somepony break in? Oh my, I knew I should have replaced those windo-"

"Flutters?"

"Yes?"

"Would you kindly get off of me, you're starting to crush my ribcage."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I heard screaming, a-"

"Yeah, yeah, I got that part. I just had a weird dream, is all."

"Oh? What was it about?"

"Zombie apocalypse and the only way to stop them was to stop a rock. I couldn't stop it."

"You couldn't stop the rock?"

"No, one does not simply stop this kind of rock. Anyway, it's late, shouldn't you be getting back ho-." Right before he could finish his sentence, Kobold looked out the door.

A blizzard had picked up. Out of nowhere.

"Never mind, you can stay here until this thing blows over."

"Really, you'd do that?"

"Take a look outside, does that exactly seem safe to be walking around in?"

"Well, no..."

"Well, then, your ass is staying here until this thing blows over. Holly?"

Holly's head appeared on the screen. With a nightcap on, for some reason.

"Wot is it, Kobold. Can't you see I'm jiggered?"

"We have a guest. She's staying here until the blizzard blows over."

"And you had to wake me up why?"

"Just turn on the first few episodes of Blackadder." A few days ago, Kobold had implemented a device into the television that allows him to watch various shows by simply telling Holly to turn them on. Netbix, he though it was called.

"Alright, then, will you leave me alone afterwords?"

"Yes, yes I will. Care for a drink, Flutters?"

"Sure. Do you have any sodas?"

"I...think so." Kobold pulled out a large bottle of Coca-cola and a medium sized bottle of Jack Daniels. "This good."

"Yes, I will do." Pulling out two tall glasses, Kobold poured the Coke into one and the whiskey in the other. He handed the coke over to Fluttershy as the show began to start.

Fluttershy had to cover her eyes when the kings head got cut off, but Kobold explained it to her. "It's just acting. There props. The head is just a helmet with some red dye and a fake, plastic head."

"That doesn't make it any less scary!"

"Well, I tried."

After the first few episodes, the two fell asleep next to each other on the couch. Kobold had his left arm draped over Fluttershy's shoulder. Waking up about two hours later, he noticed how cute she was when she was sleeping.

_Creak._

Kobold looked to the right of the television to see The Narrator...

Giving him one of the most hostile death stares possible by mankind.

Slowly, Kobold removed his arm from Fluttershy's shoulder and inched away from her until The Narrator smiled and shut his door.

_Phew, close one._

Returning to his slumber, Kobold was awoken two more hours later by another person knocking at the door. Answering the door, he found Rarity with an official-looking letter. Evidently, the blizzard had cleared.

When she saw Fluttershy lying on the couch and Kobold dishelved state, she said. "Oh, I hope, I'm not interrupting anything."

Kobold's cheeks turned a shade of deep red. "Ah, eh, bu, heh, meh, It's not what it looks like!"

"What is it, then?"

"Fluttershy came in last night, 'cause she heard me screaming. By the time I convinced her to leave, the storm picked up."

"What storm? It was clear all night."

"But that imposi..." Realizing what was going on, Kobold left the office and looked upward.

Sure enough, the rainbow-maned mare was snoozing on a group of clouds above Kobold's office. He picked up a wad of snow, shaped it into a ball, and casually threw it up into the air just hard enough to hit Rainbow Dash in the face. Walking back into the office, Kobold noticed the letter Rarity was carrying.

"I assume that's for me?"

"Yes, it is."

Kobold grabbed the letter and opened it...

And hit jaw dropped with disbelief.

"Rarity, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am going to need two things from you. Hair gel and a blue suit."

"Why? What is in the letter?"

"Court summons. Evidently, I've been accused of treason and copulation between royal blood."

"So, you are being tried for attempting to overthrow Celestia and..."

"Having a quick one with Luna."

"Well, have you?"

"I can see where they'd get treason from, but the copulation? I'm not even into that sort of thing! What the shit?"

"Kobold, could you please not swear so much?"

"Fine, fine fine, but can you do that for me? The suit and gel?"

"What happened to your other suit?"

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_Flashback, Day after Winter Moon Celebration_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_"Alright, how am I going to get all this eye blood off of the suit? Well, I could just bleach it."_

_"Dammit, now it's white. Well, I could try and re-dye it."_

_"Shit, I knew I shouldn't have used black paint as dye. Now I gotta wash this."_

_"FUCK. I dropped it in the river."_

_/\/\/\/\_

_Present_

_/\/\/\/\_

"It...disappeared."

"How did it-"

"This is court. I need to undertake an alter ego if I'm gunna make it through this."

"You're defending yourself?"

"Yes, but I need the suit and gel. How much will both of those cost me?"

"Nothing. You will just owe me a favor."

"Big one, no doubt?"

"We'll see, we'll see."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_The next day, Canterlot Court House_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

Kobold paced outside the double wooden doors. Within those two doors lies his fate. Either he will be declared innocent and continue his life, or be declared guilty and, according to the summons, be banished to the moon.

_How is that even possible?_

They also had to take his bag away. Something about security measures and terrorism.

Hearing hoof-steps behind him, he turned to find that all of the Elements had arrived, presumably to watch the trial.

"Rarity, do you have the suit?"

"Yes, I do. I finished it just in time. And here is the hair gel." Rarity pulled out the freshly made suit and hair gel out from her saddlebags.

"Thanks. Now, if you will excuse me."

And with that, Kobold ran to the nearest man's room and changed into the suit.

When he emerged from the restroom, he was brimming with confidence. The blue suit can with a red tie and white undershirt, and Kobold had used the hair gel to spike his hair backwards.

The Elements just stared at Kobold, amazed at the almost complete change of person.

Pinkie was the first to recover. "What's that porcupine doing on your head, Kobold?"

"One, this is not a porcupine, this is my hair. Two, I am no longer Kobold. I am Phoenix Hosamen: Bad-ass Attorney."

"So," Rarity was the second to recover, "This is your 'alter ego' you were talking about."

"Right you are, Rare T."

"It's Rarity."

"Yes, yes, yes, I know. Anyway, better get to this case. Can't stand around here for much longer. Twilite Lampost, Fame Row Mash, Butterscotch, Lanky Nye, Car Jack, Rare T, you may enter the stands."

"I think there's something wrong with him." Whispered Fluttershy to Twilight.

"You're telling me?"

_/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Courtroom_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\_

The courtroom was fairly standard. Rows of wooden seats, elevated judge's stand, witness stand next to the judge, two desks for the defense and prosecution, and of course, a jury on the left side of the room. Phoenix took his seat in the left desk, whilst the prosecutor, a red Earth Pony with a black mane, took his seat on the right desk. He didn't quite catch his name. Edge, maybe? Edge Worth? That sounds right.

The bailiff entered the courtroom and stood in front of the judge's stand. "Please be seated. The honorable Judge Celestia will now be presiding."

_Wait, what? _Phoenix slammed his palms on his desk. "HO-AAHH"

Phoenix was about to yell 'hold it' but was interrupted by the clash of cymbals originating from underneath his desk.

And the giant spiky comic style sign with the words 'hold it' hanging beside his head, being held up by a...poofy pink tail. He checked under his desk to find Pinkie with a pair of cymbals and another comic style sign, this one with 'objection' on it.

"Pink Thee, what are you doing under there?"

"Helping."

"This isn't the kind of help I need. Shoo!" And with that, Pinkie left with her cymbals and signs in tow. She found a decent spot with the rest of her friends in the audience. By the time Phoenix was done with Pinkie, Celestia had taken her spot on the stand.

"Now, where was I. Oh, yes. HOLD IT!"

"What is it, Kobold?" Celestia asked, annoyed

"Firstly, it's Phoenix Hosamen: Bad-ass Attorney for now. Secondly, I call for a mistrial."

The crowd murmured at these words. Banging her gavel, Celestia called for order. "Order, order in the court."

"I'd like takeout."

"Not that kind of order, Pink Eh."

"On what grounds do you call for a mistrial, _Phoenix_?"

"I call for it on the grounds of unfair trial. The judge is the prosecuting party."

More murmurers.

"As much as I do not enjoy agreeing with the defense, he's correct, Your Honor." Said Edge Worth. "You are the prosecuting party. We cannot run this trial with you as the presiding judge. Unless you step down, we cannot continue this trial."

"Fine, fine, I'm leaving. Somepony bring in the next judge. Recess until we find the next one."

Kobold let out a sigh. "Phew, close one."

"You." Celestia looked toward him with a hostile look. "You're coming with me to the interrogation room."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Interrogation Room

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Again, the room was fairly standard. One table in the middle of the room, one way window on the wall, a single barred window near the ceiling. Only weird thing was that Celestia herself decided not to come into the room to interrogate. Phoenix began to wonder why there was a interrogation room in a court.

_Place probably doubles as a police station. I hate the fuz. _

"Kobold," a voice came from the one way window. It sounded like Luna. "I promise you, I'll get you out of this. Sister is just a little angry at you."

"A little angry?" Another voice joined, presumably Celestia. "That little ba-." The voice cut off mid sentence.

_Probably muted the mic. Hmm, wonder if it's muted on this side, too._

"Celestia is the worst ruler ever!"

No response.

"Hmm, they can't hear me. Heh. But I have important matters to attend to. Like, proving my innocence, for example. Now, all I need to do is refute the evidence she has, if she even has any, and that will prove my innocence."

While Phoenix was wrapped in his thoughts, the royal duo were arguing behind the one way window.

"-stard has weakened me! I am no longer as powerful as I used to be!"

"How do you know it was him?"

"This all started when he fell out of the sky! How can you side with him!?"

Luna took a deep breath, calming herself. "For starters, he is one of the few who enjoy my night."

"Others enjoy your night!"

"But not nearly as much as him."

"And? Do I need to remind you of what he did when Zalgo was attacking?"

"He wanted nothing more than to sacrifice himself, and not me." Luna's tone increased in anger and annoyance.

Inside the interrogation room, Phoenix was lost in his thoughts...

So lost, in fact, that he did not even notice a reality portal silently open up near the only exit and deposit a ball of tan flesh. He did, however, hear the ball, looked toward it, an immediately received a headache telling him what it was.

The ball of flesh took the form of a hunchbacked individual, about a foot tall, wearing a bloody, torn, white t-shirt and a short pair of sky blue boxers.

The most disturbing feature was its insane laugh

"Her heherheeh he hHE HE HEHEH hehrhehe."

Phoenix stared at this creature for what seemed to be an hour, his pupils the size of a single grain of sand. The creature jumped on to Phoenix's head, but not before he could yell its name.

"JOCKEY!"

The Jockey clung onto the back of Phoenix's head, its claws scratching away at his face as it moved its back in various directions to throw Phoenix around the room.

"Is this thing humping me?"

He tried his best to get The Jockey off of his head, banging it against the wall, trying to rip it off with his tentacles, but no, nothing worked. It just clung to him like green on a shamrock. The Jockey rode Kobold all around the room, knocking the table over.

While all of this was going on, Luna and Celestia were too wrapped up in their argument to notice Phoenix being humped to death in the room over.

"Sister, it may be coincidence that Kobold's appearance brought forth the weakening."

"I don't buy a single word of that. He's the cause of it, and he must be punished justly."

Eventually, Phoenix attempted to bang The Jockey against the wall again to kill it. He thrusted his head as the wall as hard as he could five times. On the fifth time, The Jockey no longer had the strength to hold onto Phoenix's head anymore, and dropped off. As soon as it hit the floor, Phoenix stomped on it, sending blood splatter all over the walls. He continued until The Jockey was nothing more than a bloody pulp.

As it turns out, the dynamic duo behind the window had turned their heads halfway through Phoenix stomping on The Jockey. Both of them were horrified at the display. Turning on the mic, the said in unison..

"Phoenix, what are you doing?"

"Fucking Jockey came in here and tried to hump my head to death. Why the hell weren't you doing anything."

"We were...having an discussion-"

"And you were SOOOOO wrapped up in it, you couldn't even help me before I died from a skull-fucking!?"

"Yes, actually."

Kobold sighed. "Just...please...let me out of here."

"Fine, HAVE IT YOUR WAY." Celestia boomed from the mic. And with that, the door leading into the hallway opened. Phoenix left and took a deep breath as both Luna and Celestia left from a nearby door. Luna headed toward him whilst Celestia sulked the other way.

"What's her problem?"

"Technically, you, but it might have something to do with me convincing her to drop the treason charge."

"Lulu?"

"Yes? And my name is Luna."

"I love you. But not in that way. Like an incredibly good friend."

"Why, thank you."

"How were you able to drop the treason charge?"

"But having her only pursue in the copulation charge."

Silence.

"Okay, okay, can't be that hard to-"

"I also can not testify."

"Fuck."

"Could you please stop swearing so much. It is beginning to get to me."

"Sorry, sorry. I have been swearing a lot more lately. I wonder why? Maybe it has something to do with having no human contact and being surrounded by horses for the past two months."

"Phoenix?"

"Yes?"

"You're speaking out-loud."

"I am?"

"Yes."

_Shit._

_/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Courtroom_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\_

"Court is now in session, the honorable Judge Judy will be presiding."

_Much better._

Judge Judive Shinlin, an ACTUAL judge. One that is not part of the prosecuting party. "May the prosecution call their first witness." She said.

_Wait, what, they have a witne- oh Slender, that horny bastard._

Edge Worth looked down onto a piece of paper on his desk. "The prosecution calls Lance B. Prime to the stand."

The witness in question was a gray Earth Pony with a lighter gray mane, wearing a blue janitor's suit. Walking to the stand, Lance took his seat.

"Name?"

"Lance B. Prime."

"Occupation."

"Janitor."

"Mr. Prime, could you please tell us what you saw on the night in question?"

"Of course. I was going about my normal janitorial duties, when I heard grunting coming from the princess's quarters. I went to investigate, and I saw the defense copulating with Princess Luna. Not much else to say after that."

The judge turned toward Phoenix. "The defense may now cross examine the witness."

Phoenix stroked his chin whilst thinking about the testimony. _C'mon, there's gotta be a contradiction in his statement._

"HOLD IT!"

"What is it, Phoenix?" Lance complained.

"At what time did these events occur?"

"Around one o'clock A.M."

_Hell, that was easy._

"OBJECTION! I have an alibi. I was in my office at the time of copulation. And I have a witness to corroborate it. The defense calls Butterscotch to the stand.

"FLUTTERSHY!"

"Why do I keep having problems with peoples names today?"

Fluttershy trotted up to the stand, attempting to hide behind her mane the entire way there. When she arrived at the stand, she shrunk back in another attempt to stay hidden.

"Name?"

"Fl-fl-fluttershy."

"Sorry, but your going to need to speak up.

"Flutt-ttershy."

"Little louder, please?"

"Fluttershy."

"Much better! Occupation?"

"Veterinarian."

"Again, speak up.

"Veterinarian."

"Did everyone hear that? Good. Now, would you please confirm my alibi."

Fluttershy uttered some words, but they were barely audible.

"Anyone got a microphone?"

Edge Worth spoke up. "There is one on the stand."

"Oh, wouldya look at that." Phoenix switched the microphone on. "Now, please, give your testimony as to where I was on the night of the crime."

"Well, I heard you screaming, so I ran over to see what was wrong. By the time you explained to me nothing was wrong, a blizzard picked up. You invited me to stay in your house until the storm blew over, then we fell asleep on the couch."

"HOLD IT! What time did this occur?"

"About Twelve Thirty in the morning."

"See? Does this not prove my inno-"

"OBJECTION." Edge Worth shouted. "The witness 'Lance B. Prime' has an artistic rendering of the scene at the time of copulation. Mr. Prime, you may take the stand once again."

Lance, once again, took the stand. However, this time he brought with him a large canvas. When he took the stand, the bailiff asked for all children and anyone else who would take offense to the painting. When said persons had left, Lance raised the painti-

"AAAAAHHH, MY EEYYYEESS."

The painting in question was a hyper-realistic depiction of the copulation.

However, the male in the painting was undoubtedly Phoenix.

**I'm not going into detail.**

**You sick bastards.**

"B-b-b-b-but my alibi-"

"Is overwritten by this evidence, seeing as you are the only human in Equestria, coupled with the fact that this is clearly you, your witness must be lying in order to protect you. For some reason." Edge Worth shot Fluttershy an accusing glare, which caused her to attempt to hide deeper in her mane.

_What am I gunna do?_

Phoenix thought and thought, but he couldn't think of a-wait one second.

"HOLD IT!" Phoenix looked toward Lance, trying to keep his eyes off the visionary bleach he was carrying. "How are you able to make such detailed art."

"I...dabble in many things in my spare time."

"You seem to be sweating a bit. Tell me, how were you able to make such a detailed painting."

"I-I-I...I'm really good at art."

"But didn't you just say that you only dabble in art."

"Yes, but-"

"OBJECTION." Edge Worth interrupted. "Sir, stop badgering the witness. This is irrelevant to the case."

"If it is so irrelevant, Edgey, than explain to me how he was able to make such detailed art?"

"Like the witness said, he is quite good at art."

"Then maybe he will be able to provide the court with another painting of equal or similar quality. Would you not?"

Lance began to sweat profusely. "I-I-I-I-I."

"You didn't make that painting, did you? It was the work of someone else, was it?"

Lance remained silent for a moment, but then spoke.

"Yes."

"And who, might I ask, is this person who gave you the painting?"

Lance pointed his hoof at the culprit.

At the person who tried to frame him.

At the one who had made him waste his time.

Luckily, this person was in the audience.

_Surprise, surprise._

The hoof was pointed at Celestia.

Gasps followed by murmuring.

Judy slammed her gavel. "Order, order, order in the court. Considering the circumstances, Mr. Hosamen, you are free to go. Princess Celestia, however, will receive a warning. If she tries to do this again, her throne shall be forfeit for abuse of power. That is my verdict. Phoenix Hosamen is declared Not Guilty."

_Justice wins._

As Phoenix strolled on his way out of the courtroom, Celestia shouted "This isn't over yet! You may have won the battle, but not the war. I will find a way!"

"And when that day comes, Satan will be skating on his way to work."

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

_Directly Outside Courthouse_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/_

As Kobold left the courthouse, he changed into his normal navy blue hoodie, light blue t shirt, and black sweatpants. The hair gel had been washed out, too, returning it to its normal, messy look.

"Ah, much better." He had also gotten his bag back form security, and was on his way back to Ponyville. But first, he had to walk down to the station.

However, something was nagging him on the back of his mind. Two things, actually.

One, why didn't the portal that summoned The Jockey make any noise?

And two, why didn't his guns feel right?

The first could be chalked up to the rips becoming more isolated, and because of the contentiously deteriorating state of the fabric in the place, the portals require less energy to open up.

As for the second, Kobold lifted his guns and felt their weight. He knew his guns so well, he could tell how many bullets were left in the clip simply by holding it.

However, for some reason, the guns felt heavier than normal, even with a full clip. Kobold checked the clip, only to find the normal heavy caliber bullets in their place. Looking down the barrel of the gun, Kobold spotted the possible source of the weight difference.

The inside of the barrel was rusted.

Pulling out a brush designed to clean gun barrels, he cleaned the inside to rid it of rust. It was a good thing that he noticed the rust. If he didn't his gun could have exploded in his own hands.

What wasn't a good thing was that Kobold hadn't turned off the safety of the gun. While inspecting the barrel for any rust that missed the brushing, his finger brushed against the trigger, and fired a .30 caliber bullet straight through his head, killing him instantly.

Or it would have if the bullet hadn't phased through him.

Kobold looked behind him to find the bullet embedded half and inch into a wall.

"What the flying fu-AAAHHH." Kobold received another migraine as information flooded his mind.

_Bullet Immunity: Bullets now phase through you. Other sharp, none explosive projectiles, such as arrows and darts, also phase through you. Explosive projectiles, such as rocket propelled grenades, however, do not phase through you.  
><em>

"Well, now I know why he dropped bullet immunity, although, this does leave a question. Supposedly, every single one of the enemies I've faced has had one of my powers to some extent. SCP-096 could move at extreme speeds, The Eye of Cthulhu had tendrils extending from it's back, The Glutton, I'm not so sure about. But if Zalgo had Bullet Immunity, and the bullets phase through it, where did they go?

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_One day after Zalgo's defeat_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

In a forest on the edge of Equestria, not the Everfree forest, a certain author's household stood. The author in question was inside writting her latest book, 'Daring Do and The Portals from Hell.'

Her writing, however, was briefly stopped by a quiet whistling sound in the air. The same sound a projectile might make is it was falling out of the sky at a fast rate. Fearing the worst, the author ducked under a table and waited for the object to land.

And it did. Directly outside of her house, five two-inch wide holes had been created by the falling projectiles. Investigating the holes, the author found five oval-like pieces of metal with one end flattened.

_What are these? _She wondered. After about three minutes of thinking, she took the objects inside to better study them.

**Dundunda, add the two, carry the three...Okay, counting amount of bookshelves No Man's Land is on, coupled with the amount of people tracking it on FimFiction, I have more than exceeded the milestone I've set. You know what this means?  
><strong>

**It means I'm going to stop writ-no, I'm just messing with you. It means Tumblr character blog for shits and giggles. I'll put the link up on my Fanfiction profile as soon as I figure out how to get it working.**

**Fun Fact: As I have stated in the last chapter, I have had some ideas cut. Some of these were powers I cut from Kobold. Two, to be precise.**

**First one was Shadow Familiars: Beings made of pure shadow that bend to every whim of Kobold. Cut because it doesn't make sense, considering what Kobold is. Can't tell much more, because, to quote River Song...**

**"Spoilers."**

**The second was to give Kobold actual immortality. Cut because that would make Kobold OP.**

**And many people would be saying 'Kobold OP, ples nerf." **

**Kobold's been through a loooooot of nerfing.**


End file.
